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2001-04-03

Tired of Tired

I know this tired feeling. This is not the I-didn�t-get-enough-sleep Tired. No, not that. This is that old familiar Tired, the I-have-nothing-to-look-forward-to-so-can�t-get-out-of-bed Tired. I KNOW this Tired. There was a time, once, way back when, that I lived with this Tired, lived so close together that I could no longer tell where this Tired ended and I began. This morning, I did not want to get out of bed. Yesterday, I spent the day in my head, telling myself horrible things, berating myself over and over and over and hating� everything. This morning, like a turtle in its shell, I felt that if I moved from beneath the protection of my blanket, I would be critically vulnerable. If I stepped off the bed onto my messy floor, I was accepting another day like the one before, another day to tell myself those horrible things.

I did get out of bed, though. There is one difference between this Tired and the Tired I knew long ago. Despite how strong and overwhelming this Tired is, I have this nagging feeling, a knowledge almost, that everything is going to work out fine. Yes, it�s nagging, yes, it�s annoying. Why? Because the self-indulgent nature of depression, that�s why. I want to dive in and wallow in the mud of my misery. I want to sit and cry and I don�t want to believe anyone who says it�s going to be all right, because how do they know? It�s like a Misery-go-round, I want to go in circles and circles and never get anywhere. But I can�t do this. I am a person who has no tolerance for the depressed. Which makes this time very difficult. I fight with myself, I argue and bicker. A part of me wants to sit down and curl up and just disappear. The other part is screaming, �Snap out of it!� at the top of her lungs, no patience, and tensing with frustration.

I think to myself, How dare I? How dare I feel this out of control, how dare I feel this unhappy? I read a quote the other day. For you to understand the context, a doctor was describing to the mother of a patient that people can�t deal with success and happiness. That when there are life-and-death situations in a society, there are less cases of depression, people are too busy trying to get the most out of life. The quote was, �The happier people can be, the unhappier they are.� Interesting, I thought. Depression is a luxury? Yes, I�ve always thought so. Self-indulgent is the word I used, and that�s one reason I have no tolerance for it. But we have a problem here. We have a double standard. Do you ever have the sensation that you are banging your head against the wall? That for some illogical reason, it seems easier to keep banging, over and over, until the head swells numb, rather than turning and walking in a new direction? I have that. I know that.

When I am in a mood like this, I look desperately for change. Drastic change. Move away. Quit a job, cut people off, anything that would cause drastic results. Something to occupy my mind other than the real problem here. The only thing I need to change is my attitude. And it pisses me off that I know that. Because that means I have no right to bitch and moan about what a failure I may feel like for whatever reasons. I�ll only tell myself, Then change. Then put some fucking energy into something. I�m not going to embrace and coddle myself, say that it�s okay, poor thing, life is so hard sometimes, you�ll get a break. No. Because that nagging fucking feeling KNOWS. Life is only hard if you make it that way. I�m not a poor thing, I have more going for me than most people in the world. Life does not owe me shit, I don�t deserve to be handed ANYTHING. I need to get off my ass and work for it.

I know that. So where�s my courage now? It�s so much easier to say these things to others, even to yourself, than it is to let it soak in and actually apply it. But that�s the only way to �snap out of it�. I�m tired of sitting by and letting the world happen around me, just to bitch about not being a part of it. That�s the real Tired. Some people are too busy living and getting things done to be depressed. That�s where I want to be. That�s where I�m going to go. In the meantime, I�ll just keep kicking my own ass until I get there.

-Barbarella

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2007-05-19
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Tired of Tired 2001-04-03 9:29 a.m. I know this tired feeling. This is not the I-didn�t-get-enough-sleep Tired. No, not that. This is that old familiar Tired, the I-have-nothing-to-look-forward-to-so-can�t-get-out-of-bed Tired. I KNOW this Tired. There was a time, once, way back when, that I lived with this Tired, lived so close together that I could no longer tell where this Tired ended and I began. This morning, I did not want to get out of bed. Yesterday, I spent the day in my head, telling myself horrible things, berating myself over and over and over and hating� everything. This morning, like a turtle in its shell, I felt that if I moved from beneath the protection of my blanket, I would be critically vulnerable. If I stepped off the bed onto my messy floor, I was accepting another day like the one before, another day to tell myself those horrible things.

I did get out of bed, though. There is one difference between this Tired and the Tired I knew long ago. Despite how strong and overwhelming this Tired is, I have this nagging feeling, a knowledge almost, that everything is going to work out fine. Yes, it�s nagging, yes, it�s annoying. Why? Because the self-indulgent nature of depression, that�s why. I want to dive in and wallow in the mud of my misery. I want to sit and cry and I don�t want to believe anyone who says it�s going to be all right, because how do they know? It�s like a Misery-go-round, I want to go in circles and circles and never get anywhere. But I can�t do this. I am a person who has no tolerance for the depressed. Which makes this time very difficult. I fight with myself, I argue and bicker. A part of me wants to sit down and curl up and just disappear. The other part is screaming, �Snap out of it!� at the top of her lungs, no patience, and tensing with frustration.

I think to myself, How dare I? How dare I feel this out of control, how dare I feel this unhappy? I read a quote the other day. For you to understand the context, a doctor was describing to the mother of a patient that people can�t deal with success and happiness. That when there are life-and-death situations in a society, there are less cases of depression, people are too busy trying to get the most out of life. The quote was, �The happier people can be, the unhappier they are.� Interesting, I thought. Depression is a luxury? Yes, I�ve always thought so. Self-indulgent is the word I used, and that�s one reason I have no tolerance for it. But we have a problem here. We have a double standard. Do you ever have the sensation that you are banging your head against the wall? That for some illogical reason, it seems easier to keep banging, over and over, until the head swells numb, rather than turning and walking in a new direction? I have that. I know that.

When I am in a mood like this, I look desperately for change. Drastic change. Move away. Quit a job, cut people off, anything that would cause drastic results. Something to occupy my mind other than the real problem here. The only thing I need to change is my attitude. And it pisses me off that I know that. Because that means I have no right to bitch and moan about what a failure I may feel like for whatever reasons. I�ll only tell myself, Then change. Then put some fucking energy into something. I�m not going to embrace and coddle myself, say that it�s okay, poor thing, life is so hard sometimes, you�ll get a break. No. Because that nagging fucking feeling KNOWS. Life is only hard if you make it that way. I�m not a poor thing, I have more going for me than most people in the world. Life does not owe me shit, I don�t deserve to be handed ANYTHING. I need to get off my ass and work for it.

I know that. So where�s my courage now? It�s so much easier to say these things to others, even to yourself, than it is to let it soak in and actually apply it. But that�s the only way to �snap out of it�. I�m tired of sitting by and letting the world happen around me, just to bitch about not being a part of it. That�s the real Tired. Some people are too busy living and getting things done to be depressed. That�s where I want to be. That�s where I�m going to go. In the meantime, I�ll just keep kicking my own ass until I get there.