I feel like I�ve been through a war zone and back. Mah goo�ness. No, not my GOO ness, you freaks. It�s supposed to be �my goodness� with a weird accent. Come on, now. Yesterday, no, I must start with Monday night. Monday night, went for a lovely walk with my good friend, Miss X. It was lovely, talking, laughing, discovering bridges and trees and flowers on the outskirts of my neighborhood. There�s actually one bridge in particular, over a colorful ravine. A dirt path weaves through rocks surrounding a creek, little trees, and vines with vibrant orange and yellow flowers. Would have loved to go down there, but two women alone, we didn�t trust it. I�d love to go back, I�ll have to recruit some more people, to be on the safe side. Anyway, after an hour of invigorating and refreshing walking, we figured that the next healthy thing to do would be to grab some margaritas and chips. Note the sarcasm in my tone, the way I said the word, �healthy�. Now you got me.

Off to El Torrito we went, in search of tequila and anything fried. That�s where we met up with a friend of Miss X, a gentleman friend who is visiting for a few days before going to live in LA. This guy is adorable, cheeky and witty, therefore fun to be around in my opinion. He also happens to have an affinity for prescription medication. Affinity, and access. So, Mr. Pill Man hands me half of something called Klonipin. Anti-anxiety, I�m thinking great, I�ve been a bit stressed about work, maybe this will relax me. Hey, maybe margaritas will enhance that relaxation. I might as well been saying, �Gee, I�m retarded,� because everything I was thinking was just that. Turns out the ingredients of this new miracle drug Klonipin are valium, valium, and more valium. All very concentrated. I only took half a pill, and on a full stomach. We got back to my place. Miss X was feeling good, relaxed, happy. I was freaking out over the fact that I couldn�t get my mind to race like it usually does. It was blank. I was thoughtless. Me, woman of a million thoughts at once, and all I could do was stare blankly, trying to remember what a �thought� was.

As if we weren�t already at our point of perfected inebriation, Mr. Pill Man had one more thing to offer, to kind of �shoe it in.� What�s this? Little brown pill? The whole thing, you say? Hell, why not! Little M on it, Morphine, eh? Yes, I�ve heard about this stuff, people in severe pain tripping out, feeling high. I didn�t feel much of anything. I actually told him, �this isn�t working, I don�t feel a thing.� He said, �That�s funny, you were just sleeping for 5 minutes. Remember that?� Yes, what do you think I am, crazy? Okay, bad question. It takes someone crazy to think that random drug-mixing on a Monday night is a good idea. Crazy or stupid. I actually felt very good, sedated, which is quite different from my usual psycho-on and alert mind and mouth. I was ready for a comfortable sleep, and was assured that there would be no hangover effect.

Alas, there were not. I slept wonderfully, interesting dreams, and felt great the next morning (yesterday). Came into work, felt great, got some things done, felt great. Then it happened. Then it hit me. Ouch. Sharp stomach pains, extreme nausea, blurred vision, can�t keep the eyes open, what�s happening? This can�t be good. I sat, frozen, in pain, knowing that any movement in any direction would only cause more pain. A coworker happened by my office, saw me that way, face contorted, tears dripping down my face because my eyes wouldn�t stop watering. I know what this is, I thought. I know that my little adventure in pill taking caused this. She asked if I was okay. I couldn�t answer. I thought, if I talk, I�ll just vomit, right here, all over my desk. So without moving my head, I let my eyes slowly slide to the left in their sockets, to try and meet her gaze, somehow communicate that No, I�m not alright, isn�t that apparent? This moment passed. I was able to speak after several minutes. Enough to say that I don�t feel well. Well, duh. I got tons of advice, try this, do that, don�t do this. But I felt better. For 10 minutes. Then, like magic, as I was talking, my words began to slur as if I were drunk, and it all started again.

My sister came to pick me up, I didn�t feel like I could drive. Before she got here, I stood up to gather my things and that action of moving, standing, sent me running to the bathroom, where I had a disgustingly thorough vomiting sesh. She got me, took me home. I slept. Aside from a few moments waking up here and there to check email or make a phone call, I slept through to this morning. That�s almost 20 hours. So, kids, that�s what morphine does to you when you�re NOT in pain. It creates pain for you. Hope you learned a lesson here, I know I did. Next time, make sure your stomach is empty before you pop the pill. That way, there�s nothing in there for it to fuck with. Am I right? Ahem, sarcasm, remember? I�m much better today. Feel great, in fact. Have a bit of a headache, but at this point, I�m afraid to take Tylenol. Okay, on with the day now.

-Barbarella

previous | next