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2004-01-15

Guilt v. Righteousness

Things have been hectic at work, but I�ll try to bang out a little update before this morning�s meeting. The busier my life gets, the bigger my problem of dealing with my guilt in relation to my family and friends. It seems like parties and family gatherings are being planned all around me, and I can�t make it to any of them. I choose not to make it to them, because my priorities right now are things having to do with me - school, work, gallery, man. There is no room for family dinners, no time for birthday parties.

How can they not take that personally? Shouldn�t I be making time for the people who are important to me? Not now. Now my time is reserved, and I need to accept that before I expect anybody else to.

This weekend is Photo L.A. I�ll be running up early Saturday morning for breakfast with M.s.�s cousin, then we�ll be at the civic center all day (4 of the 12 galleries that represent M.s. will be at the show), and then we�re meeting up with J&S in Venice Beach. I�m looking forward to the weekend. I�m looking forward to Matthew�s show on Friday night, to Fizgig and Curious G spinning their tunes. Hey, that�s kind of like a party. So maybe I should stop griping, and I should definitely stop feeling guilty. That�s only hurting me.

People can deal, people can heal. I really need to stop worrying about whether or not they�re upset with me. For all I know, people wouldn�t give two shits about knowing what I�m up to. All of this and a presentation to write, create for school, an accompanying paper to write that goes with it. Because everyone in my class is a fucking MORON, and I�m seriously beginning to doubt one of my learning team member�s ability to read. The educational system has failed this one. Now, I have to write a paper for both of us to get the grade.

Sounds a lot like life. It�s hard for me not to be bothered by the fact that 15 days have gone by since my sister last spoke to me, despite the fact that it also feels like a big relief to not have to deal with her drama. My feelings are mixed, my guilt and my belief that I�m standing on the moral high-ground argue daily within me. I�ll figure it out. Until then, I�ll keep plugging away. Clients to tend to at the office, lawyers asses to wipe and secretaries to shmooze. Homework to do, things to learn, dinner with Dad, stress about what I�m not doing for the gallery and at the end of the day, my head will hit the pillow and I will do my best to keep it from bursting.

The only problem with battling yourself is that in the end, you are both the winner and the loser.

-Barbarella

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2007-05-19
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2007-05-16
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2007-05-06
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Guilt v. Righteousness 2004-01-15 8:41 a.m. Things have been hectic at work, but I�ll try to bang out a little update before this morning�s meeting. The busier my life gets, the bigger my problem of dealing with my guilt in relation to my family and friends. It seems like parties and family gatherings are being planned all around me, and I can�t make it to any of them. I choose not to make it to them, because my priorities right now are things having to do with me - school, work, gallery, man. There is no room for family dinners, no time for birthday parties.

How can they not take that personally? Shouldn�t I be making time for the people who are important to me? Not now. Now my time is reserved, and I need to accept that before I expect anybody else to.

This weekend is Photo L.A. I�ll be running up early Saturday morning for breakfast with M.s.�s cousin, then we�ll be at the civic center all day (4 of the 12 galleries that represent M.s. will be at the show), and then we�re meeting up with J&S in Venice Beach. I�m looking forward to the weekend. I�m looking forward to Matthew�s show on Friday night, to Fizgig and Curious G spinning their tunes. Hey, that�s kind of like a party. So maybe I should stop griping, and I should definitely stop feeling guilty. That�s only hurting me.

People can deal, people can heal. I really need to stop worrying about whether or not they�re upset with me. For all I know, people wouldn�t give two shits about knowing what I�m up to. All of this and a presentation to write, create for school, an accompanying paper to write that goes with it. Because everyone in my class is a fucking MORON, and I�m seriously beginning to doubt one of my learning team member�s ability to read. The educational system has failed this one. Now, I have to write a paper for both of us to get the grade.

Sounds a lot like life. It�s hard for me not to be bothered by the fact that 15 days have gone by since my sister last spoke to me, despite the fact that it also feels like a big relief to not have to deal with her drama. My feelings are mixed, my guilt and my belief that I�m standing on the moral high-ground argue daily within me. I�ll figure it out. Until then, I�ll keep plugging away. Clients to tend to at the office, lawyers asses to wipe and secretaries to shmooze. Homework to do, things to learn, dinner with Dad, stress about what I�m not doing for the gallery and at the end of the day, my head will hit the pillow and I will do my best to keep it from bursting.

The only problem with battling yourself is that in the end, you are both the winner and the loser.