�In a time of drastic change it is the learners who inherit the future. The learned usually find themselves equipped to live in a world that no longer exists.� - Eric Hoffer

Headline: �Love Canal Declared Clean, Ending Toxic Horror� . So what I�m hearing is, ass-fucking got the green light? Clean canal, eh? No dirty toxins to fear? Hmm. This is the best headline all week.

So things are smoothing out at the office, we had a nice little meeting yesterday to air the dirty laundry (stinky stuff) and suggest solutions. Personally, I feel a lot better. I�m still trying to detach from negative emotions, especially those of guilt or regret. Last night I shed some tears over my recent decision to cut my sister off until she can demonstrate genuine kindness and respect in my direction. See, the problem is, I care so much that I would rather stress out and get hurt than hurt someone I love. Sometimes, though, it is the act of taking care of yourself that teaches others how to take care of you. If I say through my actions �It�s okay for you to treat me like shit and talk to me the way you do,� I have no right to be upset. In the past, despite my upsets or hurt feelings, I would continue to put myself in the path of their source. I�m sick of getting run over, so I am leaving this path until I sense the road is clear.

My Irish father spent the green holiday in an Asian country. His Irish daughter (moi) forgot to wear green. Shh, don�t tell.

Why do I care so MUCH what people think about my intentions? Why do I get SO upset when I�m not understood? Huh? Why do I stress over such silly little things that no one else seems to care about? I agonize over tiny decisions that involve any type of interaction with others in my life. Agonize. Worry. Stress. Why? Yes, because I care, but can I care TOO much? When I care so much I don�t sleep at night because it distresses me so much to be misunderstood, I wonder if other people bat a lash at this kind of thing. I honestly believe I�d rather care too much than not at all. But man, it�s really starting to wear me down. I need to find a happy medium. I need to stop worrying how someone is going to react to my honesty. The truth hurts sometimes, you know. But it also helps, if you�re interested in being helped of course.

For those who don�t want to change - it just hurts, and for those who don�t want to listen and try to understand, those wounds never heal. On a brighter note, things are always wonderful with my love. He makes me so very happy. Everything that is already wonderful and amazing, he makes even better.

We�re going to see Varekai tomorrow night! I can�t wait!!! I will see Cirque for the first time V.I.P. style, with the best seats in the house, and the best man on my arm. I�ll keep that active in my mind, and these other little stresses will just melt away. Because in the grand scheme of my happiness, they really don't matter.

-Barbarella

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