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2000-11-03

another chapter

This morning was like a bad soap-opera. The kind you watch and think, "That's a tad melodramatic, these things never actually happen." It was hard to keep a straight face through the awkwardness, my mother didn't say one word to me. Interesting, in my eyes I am the one who has every right to be upset, the one who should be denying her apologies, but they never came.

Taking a shower, getting ready, she never even looked at me. Trying not to brush against me as we passed each other in the house, completing our morning rituals silently. She woke up my sister, just to be able to say goodbye to someone. Then she left, as I was sitting at the dining room table, touching up my face. Mascara, actually. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt, the fact that she can be so cruel and then hold it against me when I decide not to take it with a smile. I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry when the door shut behind her.

After washing my face (goddamn mascara, not a pretty trail), I reapplied and left for work. You get a lot of time to think, stuck in traffic for an hour. I thought, Snap the fuck out of it, Barb. What if I died right now, and the last thoughts I had documented were out of pain and anger? That's not me. I'm always the first one to say that they're a waste of time. Everyone says that it takes more energy to be upset than to be happy. Maybe that's why I'm so tired. But I feel like I have a lot of energy pent up. I feel like I could scream and dance and be over-animated. To get it out, to shake it off. And I know I will. That's the way I am.

So I decided again (this has happened so many times) to not spend any more time focusing on things I can't fix. I move into a new space this weekend. I have a vision in my head for the next few months, and I'm happy with that vision. I'm happy to move forward, happy to be closer to people I love and to have finally figured out my priorities regarding them. You should not let grass grow on the path of friendship. Emerson said that.

I have a lot to do. And I like that.

-Barbarella

previous | next

2007-05-19
NEW SITE!!!!

2007-05-16
Links and Update

2007-05-09
Two Links

2007-05-06
Yes, Even MORE new pictures

2007-05-06
Mizz Asshole

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another chapter 2000-11-03 11:49:30 This morning was like a bad soap-opera. The kind you watch and think, "That's a tad melodramatic, these things never actually happen." It was hard to keep a straight face through the awkwardness, my mother didn't say one word to me. Interesting, in my eyes I am the one who has every right to be upset, the one who should be denying her apologies, but they never came.

Taking a shower, getting ready, she never even looked at me. Trying not to brush against me as we passed each other in the house, completing our morning rituals silently. She woke up my sister, just to be able to say goodbye to someone. Then she left, as I was sitting at the dining room table, touching up my face. Mascara, actually. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt, the fact that she can be so cruel and then hold it against me when I decide not to take it with a smile. I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry when the door shut behind her.

After washing my face (goddamn mascara, not a pretty trail), I reapplied and left for work. You get a lot of time to think, stuck in traffic for an hour. I thought, Snap the fuck out of it, Barb. What if I died right now, and the last thoughts I had documented were out of pain and anger? That's not me. I'm always the first one to say that they're a waste of time. Everyone says that it takes more energy to be upset than to be happy. Maybe that's why I'm so tired. But I feel like I have a lot of energy pent up. I feel like I could scream and dance and be over-animated. To get it out, to shake it off. And I know I will. That's the way I am.

So I decided again (this has happened so many times) to not spend any more time focusing on things I can't fix. I move into a new space this weekend. I have a vision in my head for the next few months, and I'm happy with that vision. I'm happy to move forward, happy to be closer to people I love and to have finally figured out my priorities regarding them. You should not let grass grow on the path of friendship. Emerson said that.

I have a lot to do. And I like that.