I used to have this horrible fear. It started 3 and half years ago, as I started to get close to what is now my core group of friends. I found myself in a comfortable and loving atmosphere, always things to do, always awesome people to do it with. It was so amazing, that I suddenly became faced with the fear of losing them. What a debilitating fear that is for humans. The fear of loss.

So what did I do? I decided to leave. I moved to LA. Like in any kind of dysfunctional relationship, I tried to dump them before they dumped me. I had to prove to myself that I could go anywhere and find what I had. I needed to know that, I needed to know that I had that ability, because it would come in handy when my fear was realized.

I have journals filled with my worries from when I first moved. My main concern was losing the "closeness" that I had, especially with whom I considered my best friend, J. I didn't want to be forgotten about, I didn't want to be left out. Funny, because I put myself in a situation that would perpetuate just what I feared. It was the biggest test I've ever taken or given.

Meeting people in LA, living interestingly enough to keep me busy with parties and events, I kept coming back to the same conclusion. As I met people, befriended them, got rid of them, met more people, befriended them, got rid of them... My conclusion? It wasn't the relationships that I was in search of. It was the people. And they were in San Diego.

The few years of living independently and socializing with all colors on the spectrum, from the rich and semi-famous, to the broke and crazy, I matured in my ability to interact with all types. I became a social diva, if you will, and as a result, my confidence grew tenfold.

I came back to San Diego, with a bit of fear-residue stuck to my psyche as I re-immersed myself in my San Diego social circle. For a few months, the fear remained. I felt like a phony, who was I to assume that these wonderful and amazing people were going to take me back, right where I left off, without being just a little bit distant?

Then I remembered a quote that I love, "Friends are the family you choose for yourself." These were my *friends*. This was my *family*, and I was home. And family doesn't just go away, it doesn't evaporate at the first sign of conflict. It's the foundation of a building. And the edifice may alter in appearance, people may enter and exit the building, some may stay for awhile. But the foundation, my bonds with the family I chose, remains despite it all.

If someone walked up to me on the street, and asked, "What is your greatest ability in relation to your greatest achievement?" I would respond, "I know how to choose. And I've chosen well."

-Barbarella

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