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2000-11-20

priorties & judgement

Today, kids, I�d like to talk about judgement and priorities. First of all, I had a great weekend. Hung out with my sisters on Friday, watched them get plastered and silly, went home and slept. Saturday night I had a blast. Slumber party with my friends, laughing, talking, laughing. And then, into the morning and the next day, as I began to feel like ass, dirty, tired, blah blah �.I inevitably became irritable.

And for two reasons: One, I was questioning my priorities. I like to party, I like to have a good time. There were things that I wanted to get done on Sunday, though, and I knowingly blew them off! I wanted to see a friend of mine speak at church. I wanted to have brunch with my father. I wanted to get some work done around the house and update some of my other genres of writing that I haven�t touched in a few weeks. But what did I do Instead? I partied. Yes, it was fun. I cherish every moment of laughter and affection that I can spend with my friends. And it wasn�t guilt that I was feeling for not doing the things I planned to do. It was disappointment. I was disappointed in myself for making what I consider the irresponsible choice: partying all night, to the point where I was physically incapable of getting my stuff done.

The second reason? This has to do with judgement. I wonder where the line between opinion and judgment cross. I love my friends unconditionally. However, not all of my �opinions� regarding some behaviors are necessarily positive. For example, it�s 7am, 10 people are trying to get some sleep in a room, we�re all cramped onto the floor, I�m still having a great time, laughing and joking and laughing. (side note: I repeat the word �laughting�, because much laughter in an evening is indicative of the success of that evening in my mind. Laughter is good). So, while on the floor, a friend of mine was trying to get it on with a guy, so close that they were actually touching at least 2 other people (including me) on the floor.

Don�t get me wrong. I think sex is great. I think all pleasure is wonderful, and I definitely consider myself hedonistic. That being said, I also think there is a time and a place. If a bunch of people in the room are into it, yes, public sex, great. Entertaining, interesting, sometimes interactive� wonderful. But if everyone is passing out, and you�re bumping into them and expecting them to go out of their way (this person actually woke up a host of the party to go fetch her a condom) so you can get laid, then I�m annoyed. I�m annoyed because I believe that for any situation, whether it be commanding the attention of many people for a story, sex, or performance, whatever, the audience and circumstances should be considered.

Someone �suggested� to me, while I was dozing and resting on a guy�s leg, that I should suck his dick. Nice. Again, to understand where I�m coming from, I love giving oral. I love penises. But it just doesn�t turn me on to be tapped while I�m half asleep and told to suck the dick of someone else who�s half asleep. Then it became awkward, because he was all for the idea. And I hate turning down what could be an exciting situation � given the right circumstances. This is where judgement comes into play. The first thought that crossed my mind, was, �this is tacky.� I think sex, group sex, public sex, all of it, should have some kind of erotic quality, rather than methodical, like �gotta get this done before I pass out or the night�s wasted.� It got to a point that morning where my friends were looking at sex like I look at masturbation � rub one out before you fall asleep. Like checking a task off your to-do list.

This attitude takes the appeal out of sex. It becomes just another party favor. Now, on the reverse side, earlier in the evening, there was hugging and touching with a group of people in one of the rooms that I was a part of. Everyone was into it, everyone was excited, we all talked about fantasies, and I would bet that everyone in that room was aroused. If someone broke out in masturbation or sex in that situation, it would not only seem appropriate, but natural. Not forced. Forced, desperate & needy hook-ups, I find them tacky and unappealing. That�s my opinion.

So I guess it comes down to this: I don�t think any more or less of my friends for doing what they do or how they do it. I do have my opinions about how things should be done, though, and right now I�m working on separating those opinions from the people who fall into my examples, because the last thing I want to do is judge the people I love. Or myself. Which means not beating myself up over the choices I make.

You can�t live for today if you live in regret. And that�s just time that I don�t want to waste, because my �living� has been pretty damn good lately. So now that I�ve showered several times between yesterday and this morning to wash the rug-funk and cranky attitude away, I�m feeling much less irritable, less like ass, and more pensive and patient. And at the end of every pensive phase, where I remain interred under layers of preoccupation, I usually come out having learned something new about myself. Or that something about myself is new.

Therein lies the reward for my drama.

-Barbarella

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2007-05-19
NEW SITE!!!!

2007-05-16
Links and Update

2007-05-09
Two Links

2007-05-06
Yes, Even MORE new pictures

2007-05-06
Mizz Asshole

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priorties & judgement 2000-11-20 15:05:35 Today, kids, I�d like to talk about judgement and priorities. First of all, I had a great weekend. Hung out with my sisters on Friday, watched them get plastered and silly, went home and slept. Saturday night I had a blast. Slumber party with my friends, laughing, talking, laughing. And then, into the morning and the next day, as I began to feel like ass, dirty, tired, blah blah �.I inevitably became irritable.

And for two reasons: One, I was questioning my priorities. I like to party, I like to have a good time. There were things that I wanted to get done on Sunday, though, and I knowingly blew them off! I wanted to see a friend of mine speak at church. I wanted to have brunch with my father. I wanted to get some work done around the house and update some of my other genres of writing that I haven�t touched in a few weeks. But what did I do Instead? I partied. Yes, it was fun. I cherish every moment of laughter and affection that I can spend with my friends. And it wasn�t guilt that I was feeling for not doing the things I planned to do. It was disappointment. I was disappointed in myself for making what I consider the irresponsible choice: partying all night, to the point where I was physically incapable of getting my stuff done.

The second reason? This has to do with judgement. I wonder where the line between opinion and judgment cross. I love my friends unconditionally. However, not all of my �opinions� regarding some behaviors are necessarily positive. For example, it�s 7am, 10 people are trying to get some sleep in a room, we�re all cramped onto the floor, I�m still having a great time, laughing and joking and laughing. (side note: I repeat the word �laughting�, because much laughter in an evening is indicative of the success of that evening in my mind. Laughter is good). So, while on the floor, a friend of mine was trying to get it on with a guy, so close that they were actually touching at least 2 other people (including me) on the floor.

Don�t get me wrong. I think sex is great. I think all pleasure is wonderful, and I definitely consider myself hedonistic. That being said, I also think there is a time and a place. If a bunch of people in the room are into it, yes, public sex, great. Entertaining, interesting, sometimes interactive� wonderful. But if everyone is passing out, and you�re bumping into them and expecting them to go out of their way (this person actually woke up a host of the party to go fetch her a condom) so you can get laid, then I�m annoyed. I�m annoyed because I believe that for any situation, whether it be commanding the attention of many people for a story, sex, or performance, whatever, the audience and circumstances should be considered.

Someone �suggested� to me, while I was dozing and resting on a guy�s leg, that I should suck his dick. Nice. Again, to understand where I�m coming from, I love giving oral. I love penises. But it just doesn�t turn me on to be tapped while I�m half asleep and told to suck the dick of someone else who�s half asleep. Then it became awkward, because he was all for the idea. And I hate turning down what could be an exciting situation � given the right circumstances. This is where judgement comes into play. The first thought that crossed my mind, was, �this is tacky.� I think sex, group sex, public sex, all of it, should have some kind of erotic quality, rather than methodical, like �gotta get this done before I pass out or the night�s wasted.� It got to a point that morning where my friends were looking at sex like I look at masturbation � rub one out before you fall asleep. Like checking a task off your to-do list.

This attitude takes the appeal out of sex. It becomes just another party favor. Now, on the reverse side, earlier in the evening, there was hugging and touching with a group of people in one of the rooms that I was a part of. Everyone was into it, everyone was excited, we all talked about fantasies, and I would bet that everyone in that room was aroused. If someone broke out in masturbation or sex in that situation, it would not only seem appropriate, but natural. Not forced. Forced, desperate & needy hook-ups, I find them tacky and unappealing. That�s my opinion.

So I guess it comes down to this: I don�t think any more or less of my friends for doing what they do or how they do it. I do have my opinions about how things should be done, though, and right now I�m working on separating those opinions from the people who fall into my examples, because the last thing I want to do is judge the people I love. Or myself. Which means not beating myself up over the choices I make.

You can�t live for today if you live in regret. And that�s just time that I don�t want to waste, because my �living� has been pretty damn good lately. So now that I�ve showered several times between yesterday and this morning to wash the rug-funk and cranky attitude away, I�m feeling much less irritable, less like ass, and more pensive and patient. And at the end of every pensive phase, where I remain interred under layers of preoccupation, I usually come out having learned something new about myself. Or that something about myself is new.

Therein lies the reward for my drama.