Another eventful weekend, and I found myself coming to many conclusions about where I am in life, mentally, right now. I�m feeling very creative, I�m feeling very social, like I want to be around people all the time, just to interact, to hear their stories, to watch their faces, how they move, how they talk, what their eyes say that their words may not.

I went to a girlfriend�s party on Saturday night. I was under the influence of something, well, possibly a few �somethings�, and I had a wonderful time. So wonderful, in fact, that I didn�t walk in my door until after 6am. I thought it was earlier, but my sister was keeping track of the time and quickly corrected me. I love hearing about the dynamics of relationships among my friends. At the end of the night, it was me and three girlfriends, just talking � about people, men, love, friendship, etc. To hear where they stood in life, what their fears were, who had hurt them, who had betrayed them, it was very eye-opening.

It�s so easy to assume that just because people don�t share their problems all the time, they don�t have them. When in fact, they ALL have problems, everybody does, it�s a part of life. While these women were telling me their stories, I found myself broadening my view of them, opening up the narrow definitions I may have had, and allowing all of this new information to poor in, adding new perspective to each of them. And then, one of them asked me for advice. I was honored. Here is a woman who I take notes from, someone I perceived as having it all figured out, beautiful, successful in every way, and she thought that I would be able to help HER. She shared her view of me, that she thought I was beautiful, successful in every way despite my younger age. And, though I had my doubts, my chest puffed out like a proud pigeon as I allowed the compliment to fill me with flattery, and I decided to accept her words for what they were without wondering whether or not she really felt that way. Wow, that�s a lot of W�s. w, w, w, w, w.

Another thing I thought about on Saturday night was who I spend my time with and why. Why I put effort forth to spend time with people that I don�t particularly care for. Milling about the crowd, mingling, I took note of who it was I wanted to talk to, who it was I was spending my time with. Those are the people I should be making more of an effort to see in my daily life. Not the randoms that we run into and look for reasons not to engage in conversation with. I used to think that was mean of me, not wanting to spend time with people for whatever reasons I had. But you know, I don�t need a reason. I can choose what I want to do and who I want to do it with, and I should be able to do this without a reason and without guilt.

Why do we waste our time? I mean, I don�t think that people, in general, are a waste of time, I love to see all of them, talk to all of them� But that doesn�t mean that if I�m not in the mood, that I HAVE to see all of them and talk to all of them. I don�t want to have to explain my life away, constantly giving excuses for why I choose to do one thing over another. I just want to do it, no questions asked. I�m sure a lot of that is me. I�m sure that I imagine a lot of the obligation I project and perceive that people put on me. But when it comes down to it, and I don�t call someone back because I already have plans and they get indignant, I can�t help but get annoyed, and because of that feeling, I avoid spending time with that person.

I think I�m getting better, though. Over the past few weeks, I�ve noticed myself saying things that I never would or could before, things like, �No, I�m not driving you because I don�t want to be responsible for you later, no offense,� and �I don�t know how my night is going to end up, so don�t count on me for your plans.� It�s just better than leading someone to believe they can depend on you for their evening, for their entertainment, for whatever. I used to be that person, I used to relish in being that person, and now I realize, it�s just too much responsibility for me right now. I�d rather just be responsible for my own evening, my own entertainment, as now I believe everyone should be. Especially now, while I�m still single.

A little disclaimer, here, as with any rule, there are exceptions. There are friends who could call me at 4 in the morning, and I would jump to help them in any way that I could, whether it meant leaving a party, or picking them up from jail (hasn�t happened yet, cross your fingers). My point is, a girl has only so much energy, and this girl would rather give more of it to the people she loves than spread it thin by sprinkling it all over everyone she comes into contact with. At least that�s how I feel today.

-Barbarella

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