Okay, back on track. It's so easy to forget while you're off track just how good it felt to be on track. Following a line you set, knowing what direction you're headed. Clouds clear away and renewed motivation sets in. I really have been in quite an odd state of mind for the past several days, even before I went out on Saturday and righteously fucked with my saratonin levels, resulting in my exacerbated illness. I don't really fall into slumps anymore, as much as I get stuck in stagnance. Rather than a slump, I'll slow to a stop and sit there for a few days, wondering how to get the hell up and do something different, but not willing to lift myself from the little divot I've stepped into.

Anyway, enough of my geeko analogies. I have a very good friend who's moved back into town, S. She came over to hang out with me last night, we went to dinner, just chilled. Damn, I love that woman. There are two women I feel particularly bonded with, two women that if we were in high school, I would most likely call my "bestest friends". S&S. That's interesting to me now, because traditionally, I don't really trust women as friends. For the longest time, my closest friend, and still one of my closest, has been a man.

I consider them that because they are the ones who know every feeling, every thought that I have, sometimes before I have it. Of the many people I know and love, there are a few who just know ME more than others, who I give more space to in my journal at home, whom I enjoy spending most of my time with, whom it is natural to be around.

And I like that. I like that I am lucky enough to know people who like to be around me, and that I have this extra bonus of desiring their company as well. Symbiotic friendships. I can't complain about my friends, because they have proven themselves to be true friends (putting up with my bullshit and chronic-neurosis). I always say, a friend is someone you can call at 4 in the morning. Not counting your dealers, that is true. I sometimes think to myself, to keep track of my relationships, "This person is my friend. If they called me at 4 in the morning and needed a ride, needed my help in any way, would I think twice before bolting out of bed and running to help?" Then I think, "If I were in a bind, who would I call, without feeling as if I was putting them out?" From that, I realize that there are more people I am a friend to, more people I would rush to help, than there are people I would call for help.

Those people who drift in my head in those moments, those people that I *would* call, are those I love and trust, and from that bit of meditation, I recognize my priorities, and where I want to focus more of my time and energy with friends. It's something I do every few months to keep myself in check. Call me crazy.

So anyway, I have more direction today. I got a lot of cleaning done during my "days off", groceries, laundry, yadda yadda. My journal at home is up to date with all my REAL thoughts (you didn't think I'd let myself be THAT vulnerable, did you?) and I am walking well within the lines of my track. At least I am so far, it IS only 9:30 am. Hee hee.

-Barbarella

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