My hair smells REALLY good this morning. My olfactory sensors are extremely acute to begin with, but occasionally, I get that perfect combination of shampoo/conditioner/product, and (breathes in deeply through the nose, ahhhhhhh, in a long, sigh-like exhale) it puts me in a great mood. We all have our little things, one of mine is scent. Calming, soothing, refreshing, nostalgic, invigorating, relaxing, they all have their various abilities to affect us in different ways.

But back to life, back to reality (yes, that is a take-off from the old song, I actually sang it as I typed it). I�m really not into New Year�s Eve this year. It just seems so anticlimactic, with all the parties that have already happened, and all of the other ones that are happening afterwards, this is the weekend I wanted a bit of a break. Last night I brought my good friend-who-just-moved-down-here, S, to meditation. Another sweet message, the speaker had a lot of great things to say, but I was in my own little world. I�ve actually been in my own little world for a few weeks, but last night was different, because rather than being preoccupied and not knowing why, I was able to find some answers within myself. Answers to questions like, �What do I want to do? Why do I want to do it? Where am I coming from when I choose to do one thing and not another? Am I judging myself?� The answers are, �Everything. Because. From curiosity, wonder, and love. Not anymore.� And I was fine with that, for the moment.

After meditation, I met up with a handful of girlfriends for some drinks at a local bar/hangout. It�s nice for a change, to be out with the ladies. I never used to do that, I�m not sure why. Always thought I couldn�t identify for one reason or another. But what I learned last night, is that in reality, I can totally identify. I mean, hell, I AM a woman for Christ�s sake. Sitting there, talking, I made them all laugh. Really laugh, like the hold-your-belly, unattractive-unladylike-snort kinda laugh. It felt good. I didn�t need anything else at that moment, I didn�t need any other kind of attention for the rest of the night. I was able to sit there, silent, listening to them update each other with the latest dramas, and smile at their words, their gesticulations when I couldn�t hear their words; and for the first time in a long time, I didn�t question anything in my head. I was confident in knowing that these women loved me and I them. That their eyes looked at me with genuine warmth, that their smiles were natural and not forced in the slightest way. That they truly meant every word of adoration and every compliment they indulged me with (not to mention, I didn�t have to pay for one drink, but that�s not the issue here, heh heh).

The issue, or situation, or realization, or muted epiphany, is that I have a lot of love in my life. A lot of good, honest, hard-working people, whose ethics match mine, and who can handle the morals or seemingly lack of morals of mine that don�t match theirs. People who see through exteriors into original intentions, and trust me on that base level. Wow, I thought. Wow. And how many of us go through each day, not noticing whoever it is around us, or not around us, who is thinking highly of us. People we take for granted and assume they�ll always be around, regardless of where we throw our attention, or people we are unsure of, intimidated by, rather than accepting that they�re there for a reason; everyone has a choice in every matter. If someone is choosing to be around us, they have their reasons. My problem has always been to question those reasons until I�m a neurotic mess, full of self-doubt. I no longer doubt the people in my life. Doubt is a mode of distrust. And if you don�t have trust in at least one person, what a lonely life it would be.

So, moral of the story, I don�t want to do anything for New Year�s Eve. I don�t want to go to a party, I don�t want to �party hard�. I want to stop by and see some people I love, ring in the new year with a clang of champagne glasses, and then hang out and chat until I go home and sleep. I don�t even feel like getting all dolled-up. Funny, because I�m already planning how to do my makeup to go dancing this evening, wondering what I�m going to do Saturday night, but the big event of the year? I feel like staying in my jammies that night, drinking tea and reading a good book.

-Barbarella

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