Argh, dragging feet, eyes half-closed, sniffle-sniffle, I feel like shit this morning. The faint whisper of my pillow, my soft, beautiful pillow, calls to me, barely audible over 20-something miles and a whole lotta shit in between, but I can hear it, loud and clear. I�ll snap out of this, I�m sure. Companies should not give me 4 days off. I just don�t work that way, it makes me lazy. Four days off and I did not do any unpacking in my room, I did not yet set up my computer. Sigh. But I did relax, and that�s what vacation is all about, right? Well, it was worth the try.

I don�t even remember what I did this weekend. Ah, yes. It�s a New Year now. You know, there�s this ritual some people do, usually on New Year�s Eve, an exercise to exorcise past demons, to �let go� or �purge� of things we�ve held on to for whatever reason, things we are ready to grow away from. I went to a few different gatherings on the eve before the new calendar year, and each one had a similar ritual performed. And each time, I did not participate. As a child and preteen, I belonged to this group, put in the format of a 12-step program (don�t ask). In this group, we would write letters, expressing feelings or whatnot, things we wanted to be rid of, so we would write them and burn them, purged and gone forever.

This was hard for me. See, I write all the time, especially to let go of things. But for some irrational reason, I can�t let go (literally) to what I�ve written. I didn�t want to let go of those letters, those hard-copies, they are proof of my emotions. I wanted to be able to look back and remember how I felt that day, how I expressed to someone where I was coming from. I thought it could help me in the future, in similar situations. I think it�s a wonderful and effective ritual, though, and very symbolic and cathartic. Now, and over the years, I�ve been able to write things down, and burn them ritualistically. So that was not the reason I did not participate.

I just couldn�t think of anything I had to let go of at that moment. I couldn�t think of anything from the last 365 days that was pressing on me, not one thing that I felt was holding me back because I couldn�t let it go. Those moments are very rare for me. I let someone or something go every week during meditation. And there I was, a ritual before me, and nothing to purge except perhaps the tomato and eggs I had for breakfast. So I didn�t force it. It was a lovely moment. I did make a wish for the new year, though, the same thing I always wish for, every birthday, every wishbone, every time I pass over railroad tracks. I guess we�ll see if 2001 is the year for that one to come true. And no, I won�t ever say, because I am superstitious, and then it won�t come true, and anyway, it�s a cheesy wish.

A lot of people make New Year�s Resolutions. My opinion is, why wait for January 1st? People give up bad habits, promise themselves that they will do certain good deeds, or anything else that gives up a negative and/or adds a positive. It would be nice if we could do that every day, rather than once a year. Just a thought.

But anyway, the evening was nice, saw my sisters, saw some friends, hung out with some friends till 6 in the morning, wanting to drink in every drop that the dawn of the new millennium had to offer us. It seemed to be a nice idea at the time, and was, in fact. I slept all day yesterday, tired, hungover, basking in a half-sleep/half-wake dreamlike form of reflection, thought, and comfort. Today, I feel like poo. But this too, shall pass. And maybe I�ll end up getting something done at home for once� yeah, right.

-Barbarella

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