It�s happening again, that space I enter, the one of paralyzing preoccupation, pondering my priorities to the point where I am unable to actually accomplish anything. I have a tendency to get so overwhelmed with thought that I disappear to some remote place in my head; it seems to others that I am present, that I am participating, when in my own reality, I am far, far away. It�s easy for me to get lost in that place. It�s easy for me to run in circles, encountering similar thoughts, over and over, unrecognizable because they are dressed differently each time I round the same bend.

My thoughts lately have been on sex and friends. Sex has been a theme in my life recently. Hooking up, getting laid, orgasm after orgasm after orgasm. It�s not that I don�t enjoy these or feel compromised in any way by my promiscuity. It�s just that after a while, anything can become stagnant to me. And after a while, I reevaluate my priorities and check in with myself, making sure that I am not putting more importance or worth to something that is not consistently high on my list.

I look at things as it seems my friends prioritize them. And I note the differences, how they are similar, how they are suddenly different. I feel lately that the differences are beginning to outweigh the similarities. People change, people �come into their own�, they grow. Sometimes they grow together, sometimes they grow a bit apart. I feel in many ways that I am growing more into myself than ever before. Establishing my space, so to speak. Seeking to find my wants. Growing more into myself has taken me farther away from things and people that I have previously prioritized. But that is just too broad a topic for right now.

I�ll just expound upon my recent thoughts on sex, and get to the rest of that stuff another time. Sex is a moment. Orgasms are moments. Yes, it�s true that every little or big thing in life is compiled of one moment after another, and it�s ideal to �live in the moment�, but I can�t lose sight of that fact: that it�s still just one moment among many � not the only or best moment of them all. Let me explain this here. As great as sex is, as wonderful and releasing and energy sharing as it makes us feel� it is not the orgasms that affect us in life. When I am in my winter, and I look back to what was good, I have a feeling that these particular �moments� will hardly be represented by my conscious. Rather it will be moments of laughter, of tears, shared moments with people I love, smiles I�ve received. I remember smiles. I have impressions, memories of every good smile in my head, and I can tap those memories on demand. Picture-perfect. Every time someone has smiled at me with true love in their eyes, true adoration, I took a mental picture and stored it away. It�s an amazing thing when someone smiles with their eyes, with their entire being, rather than just the upturned lips.

And thinking about that, I realize that those are my priorities, those are what I should be living for. And in relationships, that is what I wish to seek. At church yesterday there were many wonderful reminders, many thought-provoking statements and declarations, all of which went in one ear and out the other for me. I sat, in my head, preparing to let go of past ideals, past wants, past priorities, to leave an empty space for all of the new ones that are destined to be mine. And I mourned them. I mourned the loss, I mourned the shell I molted. And while everyone in the room was smiling at the hope they were given, the invigorating inspiration they seek and find there every week, I wept in silence. Wiping my cheeks so those with me couldn�t see this inappropriate reaction which wasn�t a reaction at all, because I wasn�t even listening. Liquid emotion spilling from my sockets and I was unable to turn it off. That�s how I knew this was real. My inability to control an emotion signifies to me the genuine necessity of experiencing it. So I did.

And here I am, still in thought, no answers as of yet. But I know they are there, and I am past the hump of recognizing the need for change. Now I am an empty page, open to ideas, ready to receive what comes my way, and trusting that I will be able to seize every opportunity with alacrity and embrace every beautiful thing I encounter.

-Barbarella

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