Where is my head at today. Slept like a baby for the first time in a while. I think those pedicures are the reason. See, when I�m falling asleep now, my feet are softer, and we all know how amazingly comforting it is to rub your feet together before falling asleep, when waking up. Sigh. Anyway, it felt good, and I feel rested, and that�s all I�ve got to say about that (said in Forrest Gump�s voice).

Drama. Why do people love it, seek it, dance and play in it, like pigs in shit? I got a call from a friend this morning, relaying the latest �dirt� on my old friends in LA. It�s not even worth going into right now, too much detail, too much needless stupidity. But so that you�re not totally clueless� I hung with an incestuous group of people who hardly knew themselves or what they wanted in life, so they stayed within their boundaries and created their own excitement and drama by living out the soap operas they didn�t get casted for.

Make sense? Okay. A group of people, most have had sex with at least one other in the group, and each time there was an �incident�, the world would come to an end for those involved. Someone was always �in love� with another, not able to stand for the moment when they, too, would leapfrog to another group member for even more sexual attention, appeasing the hungry beast within who yearns for it, feeds on it. Do you know how quickly that gets old? �Bout as quick as it takes for your head to turn when I slap you across the face. Get it? People create their own drama. I must admit, it was fun, my friend S and I, discussing the latest news from what we dubbed, �The Drama Club,� but at least we weren�t involved in any of that crap. So I was retrospectively satisfied with my decision to detach from that group upon hearing that nothing has changed.

Anyway, back to my life, where drama NEVER happens. HA! Only in my head. My sister seems to be over her glitch. She came home last night and told me how she realized that the reason she�s so mopy and pissy is because she never does anything or goes out. She wants to come dancing with me this week, is considering accepting invites from new friends at work. I�m so relieved by that. This is exactly what she needs, then she won�t rely on me so much for entertainment and company. Rather, she�ll go back to providing that for herself, something she used to do very well before all her friends went away to college. We�ll see.

A good friend of mine turns 30 today. My, my, how we all grow up. I have 6 years until I hit 30. Six years left of my 20�s. A lot could happen in 6 years. I don�t fear aging. I don�t fear changing. Actually, the only thing I think I�ve ever feared, truly feared, to the point where I can become emotional just at the idea, is loss. I need to get over that. Because we don�t really ever HAVE anything. We temporarily borrow things from the universe, we temporarily share our lives with people, it�s all temporary. Nothing is permanent. I need to realize that. Because I expect too much out of the world, assuming that I can hold on to whatever the fuck I want to keep. It was never mine to begin with. And I have this feeling that once I truly acknowledge that, my fear will disappear.

And when people and items disappear after that, I won�t be indignant. I�ll be able to shrug my shoulders and say, �Hey, God, thanks for letting me hold on to that for as long as you did.� Because I realize, He/She/It, whatever power is in that universe that pulls the earth in rotation, that instructs cells to multiply, that indiscriminately gives and takes, didn�t have to give to me� so when it does, you can be damned sure I�m going to appreciate it.

-Barbarella

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