I received a survey in the mail. Funny, I thought that the survey people would have banned me after that whole �jerky� thing. What am I talking about, you wonder? Well, when I lived in LA, I used to be on some survey list, I�d watch movies and rate them, TV shows, test products, etc. I didn�t get paid or anything, but I always returned the surveys completely filled out with comments, so I kept getting shit. Then, one day, I received a phone call. A man, requesting that I do a jerky survey. He said that I would receive the jerky in 3 days.

What he didn�t count on as he was reading his �prep the person for the survey� script, was my attention to detail regarding directions, OR my love affair with semantics. He began by explaining how the jerky would arrive, in two bags, labeled Jerky A and Jerky B. Okay, I could handle that. He described the process of the forms, when and how they were to be filled out, when and how they were to be sent back. But then, he made the biggest mistake in jerky-survey-instruction history, the sentence that sent my mind reeling with possibilities.

He said, �Use the jerky as you would normally use the jerky.� WHA?! I said, �Use it? You mean, it doesn�t say anything about eating it or tasting it in your directions there? As I would �normally� use it? I just told you I�ve eaten jerky only a few times in my life, and you�re telling me to USE it like I would NORMALLY USE it? What am I supposed to do, take it out and slap my ass with it?� He didn�t seem to have an answer. I told him, alright, just go ahead and send it, and I would do my best to �USE� this jerky appropriately.

Heh heh. I received the jerky. And I bought a role of film, and told my sister she had to come up and visit me, because I had a project I needed her to help me with. The jerky had arrived. Jerky A and Jerky B. Clear plastic bags, all different shapes of shriveled up flavored meat inside, just waiting to be used. We used the jerky in several ways, documenting each of its various uses with the camera. My sister used it to color her hair (we were coloring her hair the color of jerky that night anyway), a picture was taken. I used a roled up jerky piece as a straw for my soda. She took a picture of me with a long jerky strip with flesh-colored paint at the end, touching up Bouguereau�s rendition of the Birth of Venus. We exfoliated our feet, filed our nails, hell, I even ATE a piece. Pretty tasty. And many more things, with pictures of each, big Vanna White smiles on our faces as we posed for each picture, jerky visible, obvious to the viewer exactly what we were using it for.

I still have these pictures. I never bothered to send the survey back in, but when a woman called to follow up, I explained to her what I had done, and she didn�t seem all that amused. I still laugh about it today, especially this morning, as I�m doing my bills and find a shopper�s survey. I can�t wait to read the instructions.

-Barbarella

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