I love mornings like this one. I slept soundly, warm in clean blankets and sheets smelling like the new detergent I bought, having fallen asleep reading, my favorite way to go. The water in the shower stayed that perfect temperature between very warm and almost too hot. Outside, everything was wet and glistening from an evening of rain, but now the sky was clear, and every surface reflected the bright sheen of the sun shining on the watery layers.

I was contented. I thought of my time. Of things I want to do. It�s been so long since I�ve taken time to relax, to do things with only myself in mind, like I did when I lived alone in a city where I knew no one. Of course, that didn�t last very long, it�s hard for me to go any length of time without meeting people and socializing, I do believe it�s inherent in my genes. But, for those first few months, in a new city with only new acquaintances, I was alone. And, being alone was liberating. It helped me to find myself in a way. See, that is something I would never do on my own, I had to put myself in a situation that forced it upon me in order to experience it. That growth, that self-learning. Those questions. What do I want to do today? With no one else to ask, with no one to check in with, deliberate with, make plans with. Just me.

And that came to me this morning. I can do that anywhere, in any city, regardless of the obligations and responsibilities of friends and family. I don�t have to shun them, or put anyone out, but that doesn�t mean that I should feel obligated into situations I wouldn�t choose to put myself in were they not a factor. As many of my close friends know, the word, �obligate� is a soft spot with me. I don�t like to feel as if I have no choice in matters. Now, I may choose to obligate myself, but it is still MY decision. For some reason, that clarification is very important in my mind.

I just have to remind myself sometimes that in life, I have a choice. That it is pointless for me to bitch about things I have going on, things I do, parties I attend, because I am choosing those plans. No one is holding a knife to my throat. And friends understand when I need to take a step back and put some time elsewhere for a change. Whether I want to spend time with a particular person aside from the group, or just spend some time with me.

Mornings like this one have always been catalysts for this particular mood of mine. This space I enter, where all I want to do is read, write and think. See, I�ve gone and done it again. I�ve forgotten who I am.

-Barbarella

previous | next