Back in December, I wrote an entry entitled �Gay Ranting� to describe the vandalism of my car, the gay-bashing it was getting. This has never stopped, occasionally I�ll get words written in the morning dew, �I want to fuck you,� �I want your pussy,� shit like that. Today topped it off. On my rearview mirror was a pair of white panties, complete with a crotch stain, dripping from being soaked from a night of rain. Now, most people might find this offensive. Vulgarities on vehicles, and now, pussy-stained panties. Me? I just wonder who has all this time and thought to put into the bashing of a CAR. I find it hysterical. I looked around this morning, not one other car on the street seems to have been touched. Not one other car molested or bothered save mine.

Hey, I thought, maybe I have a fan. Maybe these belong to that little girl upstairs who came on to me that one time. This is her little-girl way of flirting. But unfortunately, I believe that the intentions of the vandal were colored much darker. As I mentioned back in December, I do live in an area with a high percentage of homosexuals. Maybe someone has singled out my car, knowing it to be owned by a woman (perhaps the name on the plates was a tad bit suggestive to the fact that I�m female), and decided to put a lesbian-bitch in her place. But see, these actions are as futile as they are asinine. They�re gay-bashing a straight woman. Not just any straight woman, either. A woman who thinks this is silly more than it is offensive. A woman that realizes and recognizes the stupidity in the world, and those poor souls that are destined to spread it around like rats carrying the plague.

But anyhow, no more thought to that, I�ve already given the vandals more energy than they are worth. Back to my life. Rain, rain, rain. I do so love it. Just want to stay in bed and look out the window at it, at the sky, the wet pavement. Lay with my cats and read. And sleep and dream. Can you tell I�m exhausted? I must not be getting enough sleep. And I haven�t had any caffeine this morning. But regardless, I�m in one of those moods, those hibernation moods. The world could go away for all I care, as long as I have a space where I can sit comfortably and watch the rain. Cuddle with my pillow and allow thoughts to drift in and out of my head. Oh, but it does sound nice.

I see the rain as a form of escape, a forced relaxation. It�s all the reason you need to stay in, to do your own thing. There is a lake by my mother�s house. A little one, but still a lake, by the olympic training center, Otay Lake. I have several spots around that lake, places I would go at least once a week, places I would disappear to. Park on the main road and walk along a barely visible little track, or make my own. I would find a place to sit and watch the lake, hidden between trees or reeds or hills. Just sit there, and watch nature. How caught up in life did I allow myself to get that it takes rain in Southern California to incite me to once again sit and watch the nature? How detached I�ve become. Now there are houses all around Otay, instead of open space, just a few of my old spots are left.

I do believe that soon, I shall pay them a visit. And the lake will help to remind me� Remind me of what, you wonder. Well, that�s something you don�t need to know right now. What you need to know is that it�s possible to forget yourself in all the distractions life has to offer. But it�s also possible to find yourself again, sometimes within those same distractions, and sometimes very far away from them. But it is possible. Good thing meditation is tomorrow night. That�s exactly what I need right now.

-Barbarella

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