Reading over my journals of the last several years, I notice certain consistencies. The names are always different, the situations vary, but the patterns are all the same. What's stood out in my eyes lately, what I have researched and discovered on every other page, are the dilemmas faced regarding friendship, romance, and the boundaries between them all.

I believe that there are unspoken rules between friends, even acquaintances, rules and boundaries, that when not followed and abided by, can create great strife among people. Particularly female friends and the men that come between them. I have 3 sisters. Growing up, if any one of my sister's eyes merely sparkled at the sight of a boy, the rest of us turned any attraction we may have had for that boy off (this is a simple switch that all women have, but tend to be selectively unaware of), and cheered for the happiness of said sister.

If only this trait, this ability, this adroitness for respect and love could be inherent in all women. Unfortunately, though, I've found through experience that my wishes for this are apparently outlandish, given the situations I've encountered with women who are not my sisters, or close friends (who have the same values and beliefs as I do).

All too often, I find myself immeshed in situations where a female friend of mine is interested in a man and her feelings are reciprocated. All seems to be very well. Well, all is not as it seems. Women who find their sense of self-worth through attention from men are never happy when a man's attention lies with a friend or acquaintance, and not them. They tend to be jealous, feel inferior, try to change the situation.

This is what I will never understand. Several times in my life, I've been interested in a guy who liked one of my friends. When I realized the attraction between the two, I (being full of pride and not putting my worth in the opinion of anyone but myself) immediately backed off. I don't understand what people are trying to accomplish by pushing and pushing a metal nail into cement. It's not gonna happen. It's not wood. Personally, I would sense the futility and walk away from the table and place my bets elsewhere.

There is something I learned in psychology, during the 3 minutes I attended college. It was about the superiority complex. Mostly among women, this complex represents the feeling that a woman has when suddenly presented with a comparison. If a beautiful woman walks into the room, and a woman in the room, seeing her beauty, suddenly feels unattractive, she has this complex. Rather than noting the beauty, and acknowledging it, she chooses to compare it to her own appearance. It goes both ways. Feeling beautiful BECAUSE someone else is ugly, or feeling ugly BECAUSE someone else is beautiful. This is obviously not an intrinsic sense of self-worth.

If I see a beautiful, intelligent, funny, nice (whatever the trait may be) woman, I appreciate that in them. I don't think, "she's not as beautiful, intelligent, funny or nice as me." I also don't think, "she's more beautiful, intelligent, funny or nice as me." I just think, "she is." "I am." That's all.

It all boils down to respect. I respect my friends, I respect their boundaries. If they don't spell their boundaries out to me, I think to myself, "if I was in her shoes, what would MY boundaries be?" It's like the dress-code at work. If it's questionable, don't wear it. I can't stand when someone can't read a situation for what it apparently is, and instead, decides to act of their own accord, for their own motives, regardless of the feelings and wants of people they call "friend". I can't tolerate someone disliking a person or judging a person or comparing themselves to a person based on the mere reason that that person has something they want.

I have nothing against anybody in my circle of friends. I respect, admire, and like all those that I am around at all times. If I didn't, I wouldn't be around them. I'm not the type of person who puts myself in situations I know I won't enjoy. But having said that, I am an intuitive and observant and perceptive woman, and am aware of people's attitudes towards me or my friends, and aware of judgments made based on projected insecurities.

Everything I do, everything I say, leaves my lips in the same shape and form as it began in my head. I do not do or say things for the sake of ulterior motives. I don't need to have "ulterior" motives, I make my motives clear enough for everyone to see. If I wanted to do something, I would say, "I want to do this." I wouldn't create some convoluted, manipulated situation in order to have things end up my way. I would just state what I wanted from the get-go. I'm a direct sort of gal, and it's always worked for me.

So there's my rant. I'm sick of being misinterpreted. I am what I am, and I love me enough to back every fucking word at every fucking turn. And when someone disagrees, I am open and comfortable enough to hear them out, and adjust myself if a situation calls for it. I'm not married to my ideals. But I do have them. And though they may change, and though I may change (hopefully, because change is growth), this is just the way they are. And I'm not going to apologize for being me.

-Barbarella

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