As happy as I was about it being Friday, I am miserable about it being Monday. Well, maybe �miserable� is too harsh a word. I�ll be fine. I�m trying to get in the mindset of wanting to succeed. I don�t know why I seem to fear success at this stage, I am consciously working with little to no effort. It�s like high school all over again. I would get A�s on every test, but hardly pass the class because I just wouldn�t do the assignments. Little did I know how important the assignments of life are, how crucial they really are to passing to the next level. How did I let that escape me? I have a tendency to let things build up, to not take care of them as they come, one at a time, which leaves me overwhelmed when I finally take stock of it all.

I don�t like being overwhelmed. I miss the sense of confidence I used to have in my abilities, professionally speaking. I used to walk into the office, throw my purse across the room, and be on the phone with clients before my ass hit my chair. Where did that go in me? I was thinking about it a lot this weekend, thinking about the fact that I have a choice here. I can bitch and bitch about work sucking, about not liking my office, about not accomplishing all that I know I could� or I can get on the ball, swallow down the fact that I don�t necessarily LOVE what I�m doing, and be the best at it anyway. At least for now. Because I know that I can, somewhere inside this stubborn woman projecting the blame as an excuse for inactivity, is the woman who knows that all the power to succeed and fail lies within me. And I can�t believe I�ve pissed myself off to this point by taking the passive role.

Okay, enough about that. I�ve already decided what to do, and I�m going to focus on doing it. Putting more mental energy into my work, my current career. As a Virgo, I gain a huge percentage of my sense of self-worth through my sense of accomplishment, especially that of the workplace. At least that�s what I�ve read. I�ve found it to be pretty damn accurate. I�m competitive and I like to win. So of course, winning would make me feel good. Duh. But like I said, enough about that. I had a wonderfully relaxing weekend. Friday was my sister�s birthday, I got to hang with the girls and watch them get plastered. My sisters cannot hold their liquor, whatsoever. It�s quite amusing to watch the 3 of them together, drinking, just being goofy.

I left there to meet up with some friends downtown and drag a few back to my place for a short hangout sesh and quick inhalation of food before they left me alone with my desert. Sweet like candy. Saturday night, a wonderful and cozy housewarming at a good friend�s place, what laughter. Nothing like laughing, like that, freely, openly, without reservation. Nothing like it at all. My friends are some fucking funny folks. Yes indeedy. Sunday, another housewarming, people I don�t know as well, but fun just the same.

There are a few other things on my mind, a few rants and opinions and perspectives, as always. But they can sit there for now. Because right now, I only want to look forward to a productive week, and look back on memories of sweet candy. I can spit my drama out at any time, in any place. But for now, I�d rather savor the sweet taste of a good attitude and swallow it down until I have only the option of optimism within me from which to choose.

-Barbarella

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