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2001-03-14

Just breathe

My, my, my mind is a whirlwind. Work stress is freaking me out. I know I can do so much better, it�s difficult to know your potential and then to look at where you stand, so far away from it. But as stressed as I am, I know that everything will work out. It may not work out the way I want it to, but it will work out, and I�ll be fine. I always am. This will not kill me, not now. I woke up happy this morning. I went to bed upset and I woke up happy. How did that happen? I snapped out of a funk that I hadn�t realized I was in. My eyes had adjusted to the darkness and I had forgotten how bright I usually am. This morning, though, the sun shined right in my face and as I sat up in bed, I thought one thing: I�m okay. Just that, no elaboration, �I�m okay.�

I�ve been very irritable lately, and I finally know what�s causing it. It�s me, of course, causing my own irritability. All this time I�ve been putting the blame on others, �that person is annoying me,� or �this person is the cause of my frustration.� It all comes down to control. It�s easy to forget that we can choose our own situations in life. Easy to sit in a room and bitch at the d�cor, the temperature, the lighting� easy to just sit there and be angry that you�re there, angry at the people who invited you, angry at yourself for accepting the invitation. What I forget to realize, though, is that it�s just as easy to simply stand up and leave the room. I know I�ve written about this before, this ability to leave a situation you�re not happy with. I think I wrote about it in reference to my mother. This time, I�m writing in reference to everything else.

Why do I waste time and energy on petty things? I hate being petty. So I tell myself, this is fine, you can handle this, you can work through this, put on the face, make the effort. But then I realize that in doing that, I am only further frustrating and annoying myself, making me even more prone to some quick, petty acts of the irritable. It�s okay not to have patience for certain things. It�s okay to not want to spend time doing things you don�t enjoy, it�s okay. I�m okay for feeling that way. It�s okay to have opinions, it�s okay to disagree. I don�t have to like everybody in the world. I don�t have to hang out in the rooms I don�t like. I want to be where I�m comfortable, where I don�t want to break a vase on the table by throwing it across the room just to shut up the noise all around me.

I have control over that. Sometimes, you need to take a break from things. Sometimes, you need to just get away from it all. Escapist? Perhaps. Call me Houdini. My point is, we have no right to bitch about situations in life that we put ourselves into. We either make the conscious choice of getting out of those situations, or we accept that we�ve chosen them. Right now? I want out of some, and deeper into others. And once I decide which ones I want out of and which ones I want into, I can start doing my own little hokie pokie.

Just to elaborate for a sec� You put your big mouth in, you put your big mouth out, that�s what it�s all about! Somehow, some way, I will get out from under all of this pressure, out to the middle of nowhere, with nothing to push me into myself, and then, at that moment, I will breathe.

-Barbarella

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2007-05-19
NEW SITE!!!!

2007-05-16
Links and Update

2007-05-09
Two Links

2007-05-06
Yes, Even MORE new pictures

2007-05-06
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Just breathe 2001-03-14 21:08:08 My, my, my mind is a whirlwind. Work stress is freaking me out. I know I can do so much better, it�s difficult to know your potential and then to look at where you stand, so far away from it. But as stressed as I am, I know that everything will work out. It may not work out the way I want it to, but it will work out, and I�ll be fine. I always am. This will not kill me, not now. I woke up happy this morning. I went to bed upset and I woke up happy. How did that happen? I snapped out of a funk that I hadn�t realized I was in. My eyes had adjusted to the darkness and I had forgotten how bright I usually am. This morning, though, the sun shined right in my face and as I sat up in bed, I thought one thing: I�m okay. Just that, no elaboration, �I�m okay.�

I�ve been very irritable lately, and I finally know what�s causing it. It�s me, of course, causing my own irritability. All this time I�ve been putting the blame on others, �that person is annoying me,� or �this person is the cause of my frustration.� It all comes down to control. It�s easy to forget that we can choose our own situations in life. Easy to sit in a room and bitch at the d�cor, the temperature, the lighting� easy to just sit there and be angry that you�re there, angry at the people who invited you, angry at yourself for accepting the invitation. What I forget to realize, though, is that it�s just as easy to simply stand up and leave the room. I know I�ve written about this before, this ability to leave a situation you�re not happy with. I think I wrote about it in reference to my mother. This time, I�m writing in reference to everything else.

Why do I waste time and energy on petty things? I hate being petty. So I tell myself, this is fine, you can handle this, you can work through this, put on the face, make the effort. But then I realize that in doing that, I am only further frustrating and annoying myself, making me even more prone to some quick, petty acts of the irritable. It�s okay not to have patience for certain things. It�s okay to not want to spend time doing things you don�t enjoy, it�s okay. I�m okay for feeling that way. It�s okay to have opinions, it�s okay to disagree. I don�t have to like everybody in the world. I don�t have to hang out in the rooms I don�t like. I want to be where I�m comfortable, where I don�t want to break a vase on the table by throwing it across the room just to shut up the noise all around me.

I have control over that. Sometimes, you need to take a break from things. Sometimes, you need to just get away from it all. Escapist? Perhaps. Call me Houdini. My point is, we have no right to bitch about situations in life that we put ourselves into. We either make the conscious choice of getting out of those situations, or we accept that we�ve chosen them. Right now? I want out of some, and deeper into others. And once I decide which ones I want out of and which ones I want into, I can start doing my own little hokie pokie.

Just to elaborate for a sec� You put your big mouth in, you put your big mouth out, that�s what it�s all about! Somehow, some way, I will get out from under all of this pressure, out to the middle of nowhere, with nothing to push me into myself, and then, at that moment, I will breathe.