Tough night, last night, for the people around me. I went to the airport, waited for awhile, planes circled for an hour due to the heavy fog in San Diego. Finally, I saw my sister�s head appear above a car as she emerged from the terminal and onto the sidewalk. Her husband, Sean, was several paces behind her. They looked wasted, exhausted, mentally, emotionally, physically. On the ride home, Sean filled me in on his mother�s status. See, ovarian cancer is virtually undetectable until it�s too late. She had a hysterectomy in the 70�s, and back then, they didn�t remove the ovaries along with the uterus. Those ovaries aren�t near any vital organs, so by the time symptoms actually occur, when other organs are affected, the cancer has already spread detrimentally. Her symptoms were vast. A glass of water would fill her up, she lost her appetite completely. Discovered lumps throughout her belly, digestive system collapsed. All in a matter of a few weeks.

Sean described this to me in medical terms, he was a biotechnology major in college. But his eyes reflected all of the disbelief and pain that each word was wrapped in, scraping him from the inside out as they filed so methodically out of his mouth. Their eyes were red and swollen. Heather has to go back to work, she�s a teacher. Sean is going to work out his vacation with his company and plans on going back up to San Francisco this week. This week. Wow. I told them that I�d be there in any way I could, feeding the cat, giving rides, anything at all, just call me. It�s all I knew to do.

Suddenly, all my little problems have disappeared. Priorities shift. It�s amazing sometimes what needs to happen in life in order to shift some people�s priorities, I don�t just mean mine, but in general. It took my father getting skin cancer to stop worrying about every little thing and start enjoying life, putting his time into people rather than situations. It really makes you think. My good friend John has a very good friend with cancer who is constantly reminding him and everyone who knows him (and of her) about their priorities in life, giving fresh perspective constantly. I had a biopsy on Monday, a regular check-up of mine turned up some unsavory results. Even though chances are that this is nothing, and that I have what most women have, which is pre-cancerous cells that need to be monitored and not actually cancer, I was surprised to have even that.

We think we�re invincible, you know. We think we can go through life as if everything will remain the way it is, as if we have forever to tell people what they mean to us, as if there is always a �next time�. There�s a thought pattern that I get stuck in during times like these. Someone is dying. My mind automatically scans everyone I know, everyone I love, touches upon their heads like duck-duck-goose, what if, what if, what if. Suddenly, all of the people that I care about immensely are floating faces in my mind, floating around the room as I type this, smiling at me, and when was the last time I gave each of them a hug? And when was the last time I really listened? When was the last time I thanked them for being one of the floating faces that travels through my head at a time like this? For being THAT IMPORTANT to me? Do they know what they mean? What they�ve done, the effect they�ve had in my life?

I�ve mentioned this quote before, it�s attributed to Emerson, �To know that one person has breathed easier because you have lived � that is to have succeeded.� And these faces traveling through my mind, they are all faces of people who have helped me breathe. Helped me learn, helped me love, helped me grow, helped me understand something and someone else in this world. You know who you are, some of you read this. But that�s not going to stop me from telling you anyway. Life�s just too goddamned short and unpredictable for us to withhold any thoughts of love and/or gratitude that we have for each other. I don�t ever want to be stuck in a situation where I have to say to myself, �I wonder if they knew just what they meant to me.� I gotta stop typing now, because I can�t be crying like this at work. But I�ll say one more thing: life�s too short to stay angry. It�s too short for us to be anything but love.

-Barbarella

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