Ah, brain is scattered this morning, but that�s a good thing, I�m back in the swing of my emotional balance. Looking forward to some things, loathing others, reflecting, regretting, remembrance with a smile. You know, the whole gamut of shit. My sister is upset with me again. She hasn�t been speaking to me in a few days, so last night, when I got home from meditation, I cornered her until she threw a few words my way. �I�m annoyed with you,� she said. Really. Pray tell, dear, why is that? She�s been thinking a lot lately, about how much fun she had with her roommate in college, how they used to do things together, be friends, just hang out, but that they were always having fun. She doesn�t understand that with her own sister, life�s �been hell� since we�ve moved in together. I told her 3 things: we�re not in college together, we don�t play on the same soccer team, and we have opposite work schedules. It�s not ME! Different situations make for different times.

I am a creature of busyness. I like plans. She expects me to be available at a minute�s notice when she has a night off. No can do. I try to explain to her that that doesn�t mean I love her any less. I�ve tried in many tactful, sensitive ways over the past several months, years in fact, to explain this concept to her. So finally, sick of baby-stepping, I just sent her a very blunt email. Hey, I�m not responsible for your happiness. I can�t cater to your every whim. You�re annoyed with me because you�re bored, well hon, the only person to be annoyed with in that situation is you. Be annoyed with yourself and leave me out of it. Okay, so I was a �little� nicer than that, but I got my point across, I�m sure.

It all comes back to my innate fear of obligation. I don�t want to be responsible for anyone�s happiness! I have quite the project with my own! Some people like to put that on you. And others, we like to think they�re trying to put that on us, when really, they�re just fine where they are. I do that a lot. I worry that I�m not entertaining enough, that I don�t invite certain people out enough, that they think I�m shunning them, when really, I�m just a busy person. Gee, I wonder where I get that from. I hate that thick tension in the air when I�m walking around my own home just knowing that the girl on the couch is sitting there, stewing and hating my every movement because deep down inside, she feels abandoned. As much as I love her, that�s nothing I can fix. So I�ll stop trying.

In other news. I�m excited about tonight, I have a hot date. I haven�t seen this person in almost 3 weeks, maybe more! Someone I love dearly and miss terribly, so I�m really looking forward to it. Oh, not �hot� hot. She�s a very good friend, it�s not like I�m getting laid at the end of this one, at least I�m not planning on it. Hee hee. Speaking of which, and I haven�t written about this much because a girl has to have SOME privacy, but to give an honorable mention, I am very satisfied with my current� well, my penis. It serves me well. And I must admit, I�m growing quite fond of the body it�s attached to. What was that, Barb? Did you say you�re a man? If you consider some of my basic characteristics, then sure. That�s it. That�s it exactly.

And one more thing. My boss just informed me that written on the side of my car is, "I like to fuck." I see the vandals are still around. So that's why the man driving the minivan with stickers of Jesus all over the back was looking at me funny on the freeway this morning. And all this time, I thought he was just checking me out, wishing for the opportunity to sin. See what happens when we assume? I'm gonna go clean it off.

-Barbarella

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