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2001-03-26

Distance

Man, oh man, life is a crazy beast. That doesn�t mean I had a crazy weekend, not by any means. Actually, I�m saving all my crazy for this coming weekend, starting Thursday. What�s going on, you wonder? Stay tuned, you�ll see. That is, if you can handle the crazy. Friday night I got in another big fight with my sister. This one left me standing outside, lamenting over a severed relationship. I know this wound can heal, I just don�t know how long it may take. She was angry. I mean, harboring hatred, tossing obscenities and cruel words as effortlessly as a clown juggling multi-colored balls angry. I�m not angry. I wasn�t even hurt by the things she said. But I am saddened. It�s a sad situation.

She said I�m selfish. That may be true. And it�s odd that I�m so okay with that, with my selfish state. I didn�t react the way she may have expected. As she was screaming, I just looked at her blankly, didn�t respond, just gathered my things and walked out the door while she was still going. The rest of the evening was nice, Tony took me to a gallery opening for his friend�s work. The art was impressive, the most unique sculptures I�ve seen in awhile, very individualistic. The photography was expressive and poignant. And to top it off, probably the thing that finally jerked me from the funk my sister had left me with, was the performance we saw at the gallery. Children playing drums, dancing and smiling and having a wonderful time just making music. They put a smile on my face and gave me a warm, peaceful feeling.

After that, some dinner, some reading, some laughing, some sleep. I didn�t go home, I was cat-sitting for a good friend, and it worked out perfectly that I had her place to escape to for the weekend, this weekend, when I needed it most. The next morning, I wrapped up my left-over dinner and left it at her place when I went to get my nails done, fun as always, telling stories to the ladies at the salon that made them blush. I got home, finished my meal, and slept for a good portion of the day. Saturday night, relaxing, hung out with my good friend, Eddie. It�s been so long since I actually stayed home to watch Saturday Night Live, it was a refreshing change. And the company was excellent, of course. Sunday morning, I went home. My sister was there, and I offered to take her to breakfast. Everything seemed fine, we ate, we talked, there was no bitterness that I could see.

I was so relieved that things seemed to be okay. Saturday, earlier in the evening, my father had stopped over for an hour and I told him what was going on. When I was done venting and explaining, he looked as if someone forced him to watch as they tortured a koala. Oh, koala�s are his favorite animal. He looked sad, helpless, even hurt. He said it killed him that she seems so unhappy, and that no one can do anything, she can only help herself. He�s out of town again, another 2 weeks. I can�t wait till this traveling bout is done for awhile, I miss talking to him every day. Anyway, so we had a good day, my sister and I. Hung out until she went to work, and then I went to Project Cathedral, that thing my friends do with music and art and dance, etc. I�m happy I went, I meditated for a bit, thought of a lot, without thinking. Odd how we can do that.

I got home, and my sister called me, wanted me to go to my other sister�s place, pick up some videos and return them for her. I said no-can-do, it was already late and I was already in bed. She hung up on me. Back to the old drawing board. I sent her an email this morning, oh lovely method of communication, words that can�t hear a response. I told her that she has a choice. She either lets go of these grudges of hers, and we can live in peace, or she can move out. I�m tired. I�m sick of catering to her. I�m reminded of what it was like to live with my mother, like living with an alcoholic, the slightest thing could make them snap and explode, and no one is safe from the debris.

I�m tired of a lot of things. I�m tired of people who are stuck in destructive patterns, myself included. I�m tired of my knee hurting (what the hell did I do to it?) I�m tired of remembering what it was like when my friends were my life. Now, we all have our own lives, and it�s only when our own lives conveniently cross paths that we are together. I�ve never not cared so much, and that scares me. This morning, an old coworker of ours called, long distance, she was asking to speak with everyone. When it was my turn, I told them to tell her I�m in the bathroom. They all looked horrified. But the truth is, I didn�t care. What was I going to say? �Hey, how are you doing? Really? That�s great! Yes, I�m fine. Okay, bye!� Why bother.

I used to be a person who lived for shit like that, lived for small-talk, for connections of any kind. I wanted to be the one to call everyone and let them know what was going on for the weekend, the point-person, the In-the-know girl. I fucking LIVED for it. I could spend hours just touching base with everyone I knew, checking in, keeping up. Now, I seem to have jumped off the ship, let go of the raft in the water, and I am drifting further and further away. And it doesn�t scare me as much as it used to. The fact that floating around out here doesn�t scare me is what scares me most of all. Because I don�t know what comes next.

-Barbarella

previous | next

2007-05-19
NEW SITE!!!!

2007-05-16
Links and Update

2007-05-09
Two Links

2007-05-06
Yes, Even MORE new pictures

2007-05-06
Mizz Asshole

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Distance 2001-03-26 10:27 a.m. Man, oh man, life is a crazy beast. That doesn�t mean I had a crazy weekend, not by any means. Actually, I�m saving all my crazy for this coming weekend, starting Thursday. What�s going on, you wonder? Stay tuned, you�ll see. That is, if you can handle the crazy. Friday night I got in another big fight with my sister. This one left me standing outside, lamenting over a severed relationship. I know this wound can heal, I just don�t know how long it may take. She was angry. I mean, harboring hatred, tossing obscenities and cruel words as effortlessly as a clown juggling multi-colored balls angry. I�m not angry. I wasn�t even hurt by the things she said. But I am saddened. It�s a sad situation.

She said I�m selfish. That may be true. And it�s odd that I�m so okay with that, with my selfish state. I didn�t react the way she may have expected. As she was screaming, I just looked at her blankly, didn�t respond, just gathered my things and walked out the door while she was still going. The rest of the evening was nice, Tony took me to a gallery opening for his friend�s work. The art was impressive, the most unique sculptures I�ve seen in awhile, very individualistic. The photography was expressive and poignant. And to top it off, probably the thing that finally jerked me from the funk my sister had left me with, was the performance we saw at the gallery. Children playing drums, dancing and smiling and having a wonderful time just making music. They put a smile on my face and gave me a warm, peaceful feeling.

After that, some dinner, some reading, some laughing, some sleep. I didn�t go home, I was cat-sitting for a good friend, and it worked out perfectly that I had her place to escape to for the weekend, this weekend, when I needed it most. The next morning, I wrapped up my left-over dinner and left it at her place when I went to get my nails done, fun as always, telling stories to the ladies at the salon that made them blush. I got home, finished my meal, and slept for a good portion of the day. Saturday night, relaxing, hung out with my good friend, Eddie. It�s been so long since I actually stayed home to watch Saturday Night Live, it was a refreshing change. And the company was excellent, of course. Sunday morning, I went home. My sister was there, and I offered to take her to breakfast. Everything seemed fine, we ate, we talked, there was no bitterness that I could see.

I was so relieved that things seemed to be okay. Saturday, earlier in the evening, my father had stopped over for an hour and I told him what was going on. When I was done venting and explaining, he looked as if someone forced him to watch as they tortured a koala. Oh, koala�s are his favorite animal. He looked sad, helpless, even hurt. He said it killed him that she seems so unhappy, and that no one can do anything, she can only help herself. He�s out of town again, another 2 weeks. I can�t wait till this traveling bout is done for awhile, I miss talking to him every day. Anyway, so we had a good day, my sister and I. Hung out until she went to work, and then I went to Project Cathedral, that thing my friends do with music and art and dance, etc. I�m happy I went, I meditated for a bit, thought of a lot, without thinking. Odd how we can do that.

I got home, and my sister called me, wanted me to go to my other sister�s place, pick up some videos and return them for her. I said no-can-do, it was already late and I was already in bed. She hung up on me. Back to the old drawing board. I sent her an email this morning, oh lovely method of communication, words that can�t hear a response. I told her that she has a choice. She either lets go of these grudges of hers, and we can live in peace, or she can move out. I�m tired. I�m sick of catering to her. I�m reminded of what it was like to live with my mother, like living with an alcoholic, the slightest thing could make them snap and explode, and no one is safe from the debris.

I�m tired of a lot of things. I�m tired of people who are stuck in destructive patterns, myself included. I�m tired of my knee hurting (what the hell did I do to it?) I�m tired of remembering what it was like when my friends were my life. Now, we all have our own lives, and it�s only when our own lives conveniently cross paths that we are together. I�ve never not cared so much, and that scares me. This morning, an old coworker of ours called, long distance, she was asking to speak with everyone. When it was my turn, I told them to tell her I�m in the bathroom. They all looked horrified. But the truth is, I didn�t care. What was I going to say? �Hey, how are you doing? Really? That�s great! Yes, I�m fine. Okay, bye!� Why bother.

I used to be a person who lived for shit like that, lived for small-talk, for connections of any kind. I wanted to be the one to call everyone and let them know what was going on for the weekend, the point-person, the In-the-know girl. I fucking LIVED for it. I could spend hours just touching base with everyone I knew, checking in, keeping up. Now, I seem to have jumped off the ship, let go of the raft in the water, and I am drifting further and further away. And it doesn�t scare me as much as it used to. The fact that floating around out here doesn�t scare me is what scares me most of all. Because I don�t know what comes next.