Yesterday, I thought I was having an extreme allergy attack. I walked into my office in the afternoon, and sneezed for about half-an-hour straight. A coworker gave me some prescription allergy medicine. I DO have allergies, you know, it wasn�t like I was just taking pharmaceutical handouts. Well, maybe just a �little�. Anyway, I sneezed my way home, felt jazzed from the non-drowsy medication. I walked in the door to my apartment, sat down on the couch, and fell asleep. These aren�t allergies, Barb, you�re sick. I have a cold, and right now, because I was running late this morning, my hair is wet. Wet and cold. I woke up from my little pass-out session and found myself extremely cranky and miserable. I snapped at my sister for no reason but to snap, and though this is difficult for me to accept, I pouted. Yes, I sat down, even pushed out my lower lip like a 10-year-old girl who scraped her knee and notices that no one seems to care. Wah, wah, wah. Oh, and it was hard to fall asleep, what with a sniffly nose and not to mention it�s fucking COLD in my place, heat doesn�t work, dammit.

Okay, are we done complaining? Can I get on with my day without scowling at every poor thing that walks by? I think I�ve vented and bitched enough for today. A friend of mine brought up an interesting point yesterday. Check out http://styn.net for details. Anyway, he talks about having to kick an uninvited guest from a private party. This is quite an interesting subject for me. Not this particular case, because this person wasn�t known, so it�s a black and white deal for me: �I don�t know you, you can�t come in, we�re having a party. It�s my party for my friends, and seeing as I have never met you before, you couldn�t possibly fall into that category.� No, this is not my point. My point is, where do we draw the line on inviting and not inviting the people we DO know?

I seem to be the only one to not have gotten caught up in past �oversights� or feeling slighted if friends of mine want to do something that doesn�t include me. Three friends of mine went to a movie the other day. I didn�t react with, �Oh, why didn�t you ask ME? You must not like me! What wasn�t I invited? Wah, wah, wah!� No. I said, �Cool!� without feeling the least bit insecure about our friendship. I used to throw parties in LA. There was a particular group of people who annoyed me, and I remember one party I threw with many good friends in attendance that I didn�t tell them about. I didn�t lie, when they called me, I said I had some friends in town and I was hanging out with them (it was my birthday). Now, if I were on the other end of this, I would have said, �Cool, have fun, give a call later if anything�s going on!� But no. These pushy bitches showed up at my house, to find a party going on (an awesome party at that). Awkward situation, I had to let them in, and they stayed all night. I soon got over it, but my initial feeling was one of resentment to have uninvited guests at my party. Here�s my General Rule: if I didn�t invite you to my house, don�t show up to my house. Unless, of course, you�re a close friend and can override that GR, and they know who they are.

People get so put off when they feel left out. Just because I choose to hang out with someone doesn�t mean that I don�t want to hang out with someone else, some other time, some other situation. This goes back to that whole thing with my sister. When I went out with friends, she felt that I didn�t enjoy spending time with her. But I�m digressing. What I�m trying to say is, you can�t do everything with everyone. Yes, it may be a luxury, but when you have many acquaintances, and you feel like just hanging with some close, long-time friends, some people WILL be �left-out�. And it sucks, because they take it so personally, and they feel indignant and unwanted, and then I feel guilty. But as I really look at the situation, I realize that there is no reason I should feel guilty about wanting to spend time with people I love. If it�s a party, sure, there will be acquaintances there, and maybe you won�t LOVE all of them, but that�s cool, because man, it�s a party. Get down, have fun. But if I am going out for an evening, wanting to spend some time with friends, quality time, focused time with nothing but comfort, you�re damned straight I�m going to choose my company with more discretion.

A little disclaimer: I love seeing the people I know, love catching up with them at parties, love talking, listening, laughing, and I love large crowds. What I�m talking about here is situations where I want some focused time with people I love. Pre-partying for a dance club, going to a show, having a group dinner, intimate gatherings. It is in these situations that I guess one might call me an elitist. And if that is the case, and that is the category I fall into, wanting to spend time (like diamonds in our so-called busy lives) on the people I choose, and who choose me, then by no means would I consider it an insult. Yes, I am an elitist. Yes, there may be a day when I feel like hanging with some friends and that doesn�t include certain people I may know. People shouldn�t put their worth in who I want around me and who I don�t want to be around. Who the fuck am I, anyway? Just some chic who likes her friends, and doesn�t want to waste time making nice-nice with those I merely tolerate.

Elitist? Bitch? Alright. I can live with that. As long as my friends still love me despite my many flaws, I�ll get through it. When they check me, that�s when I�ll be concerned about any negative image I�m portraying. But as the accepting and loving people they are, I�m sure that despite the bitchy undertones of my elitist opinions, they know me enough to know what I mean, and read this as just another interesting perspective on friendships, relationships, and our obligations to being polite versus having what we want. I used to choose polite. Lately, I find myself wanting to have what I want, despite the possibility that it may not be what everyone wants. I�m sick of trying to please the crowd. I�m sick of feeling forced into situations with people I don�t choose to be with.

But that is all my doing, and so now I am making my choices to promote balance, and avoid being resentful at the world for making me work so hard for my ideal situations. Now, I thank the world. Because if I wasn�t working so hard for it, I might not appreciate it as much as I do. Success is measured by sweat and blood, according to me. It�s not just handed on a sliver platter. And if it is, don�t eat it � it�s poison.

-Barbarella

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