Uh huh, uh huh. I'm in an odd mood this morning. Got this new vanilla-scented shampoo, I'm diggin' it. Head smells like a big fuckin' cookie. My sniffles are gone! Oh, happy day! Good thing, because I have a LOT to get done at work today, I don't need a stuffy head in my way.

Went to meditation last night. It was difficult to get into it, we're in a temporary location for a few weeks before moving into the new building. The room was crowded, there was a light shining INTO my eye, and I could hardly hear Jacob, our beloved speaker. But despite all these things, just being there, with those people, knowing that he was up there, laughing and sharing experience and insight, put me at ease. For that hour, I breathed easily and without the stress and distraction of my obsessive thought patterns. It's a place of letting go.

I love to let go. Letting go lightens the burden, it's kicking off the vinyl platform heels that hinder your walk. Now, barefoot, you take long, easy strides on a soft, endless bed of grass. That's what I pictured for a moment.

I have a lot to let go every week. I was born & raised a control freak. I want things to go my way all the time, and I freak out at even the possibility of things going the opposite of "my way". FREAK OUT. Sure, I get over it quickly, but it's a quick ride on a roller coaster that takes a dip into Hell before shooting back up to the surface. And I do that to myself. I like the concept of "going with the flow", and "let all things be as they are", really I do. But I do have a difficult time applying it.

If I let that thing be as it is, it's not what I want it to be, therefore I can't let it be, I must take control and change it, NOW! And my thoughts drift as such. I fear so much what would happen if I just let things go on around me, without having a say in anything. I guess there's a happy medium, eh? Did I mention I smell like vanilla?

I must concede that even though I'm a proclaimed control freak, I do enjoy being able to let go. Remember, platform heels? As much as it seems to feel good to have a handle on things, when you let go of that handle and realize this car steers itself regardless, and has been going where it's going to go with or without your tight fuckin' grip, well, that relief is the REAL feel-good. Sit back, enjoy the ride. Stop stressing when it turns left when you would have gone right. Chances are, left is a short-cut that you never would have discovered with only your sense of direction.

I need to open myself up to the possibility of shortcuts. If I keep gripping this wheel so tightly, staring straight ahead at my road of life, wondering which turn to take next, always thinking of the next turn, the next turn, which way do I want to go next? I would crash my car in a frenzy. And then, wounded, sitting on the side of the road, car aflame, eventually, I would turn my head the other way. Turn in a full circle and finally notice the beauty around me, the scenery that I knew as a blur of colors as I sped by, now here, tangible, clear, fragrant and beautiful.

And when I get back on the road, I no longer become irate when given a detour. A detour is, after all, only an opportunity to see another view. I'll still get where I need to go. If I don't enjoy the ride, I'm missing half the fun. The game is more fun while you're still playing it, back 3 spaces, forward 2. When it's over, win or lose, it's still over. I'm not playing to win anymore. I'm playing to "play". I'm not living to die. I'm living to "live". Get it?

-Barbarella

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