I can�t remember the last time I felt this rested. I took a magic pill last night. It HAD to be magic, that�s the only explanation for what I felt when I woke up this morning. Usually, I wake up, cloudy head, sinuses full and tight and pounding. I sneeze at least 15 times (this is a conservative guess) throughout my routine. Sneeze in the shower, sneeze while I brush my teeth, sneeze at the perfume or lotion, sneeze and sniffle while I feed the cats. I never realized how much before, I had become so accustomed to it, hardly noticed. Then today. I woke up, bright-eyed, clear nose, clear head, well rested. I mean REALLY well rested, I felt like I had been in a rejuvenation time-capsule. See, I have post-nasal drip at night (I know, really attractive) and I snore. Doctor told me this is because of the congestion and allergies, hence an irritated throat and blah blah blah. Because of those symptoms, in the morning, I can tell by the burn and the aches that I spent the evening irritated by allergens. NOT this morning!

I never knew how it could be! I did not sneeze ONCE! Not once! I sprayed perfume right in my face as a final test, something that would usually send me into a hayfever. Nothin�. Oh, imagine my relief! I feel born-again. This is how I should have gone to my friend�s Rebirth party. Someone with no more allergy problems. My coworkers had to show me how to work those odd-looking nasal inhalers, put them together, push, suck and breathe. Interesting. I can�t say it enough, I don�t think you know, like night and day, how my morning was to every other morning of the last several years. Wow.

Back at work, and very happy to be so. A lot going on, a lot to do, a lot to get done. I hate that I missed that much time, I feel like a slacker or something. But come on, I WAS sick. I had the flu, sniff. And I came to work with a bag of prescriptions to prove it (though these are all for chronic problems, like the asthma & allergies). Everything seems to be in order, though, people are in bright spirits, and I�m already back in the swing of things. It helps, when they call you 3 times a day while you�re laying in bed, clutching a bottle of water as a child clings to its mother�s teat. Feels good to feel good. Now let�s hope I don�t run out and get myself sick again this weekend. This is also my weekend test against the no-smoking thing.

It�s been 7 days today since I last had a cigarette. Into another weekend, and a party no less. Will I want one? Can I NOT have one? I haven�t craved one yet, that�s a good thing. You know, I always told people, �I�m not addicted, I just like it, and I don�t feel like quitting. If I wanted to, I would.� They always said, �Prove it!� but I knew that was psychology. I wasn�t going to fall for it, and I truly didn�t feel like stopping. Now I do. And I didn�t go through that withdrawal that everyone talks about. I haven�t �fiended� for one, I haven�t been irritable or short with people because I haven�t had a smoke. Nope, none of that. So does this mean I was right? Have I NEVER been addicted to it? Was I smoking out of habit and vice, just for the sake of it and not because I NEEDED it? Obviously. Because this is cold-turkey and I am suffering NONE of the reported side effects that smokers experience when they �quit�. I smoked at least half a pack a day for the last, God, what�s it been, almost 7 years? And now I stop, just like that and it doesn�t bother me? Am I having delayed reaction here?

Or did I realize that it was just time, and my body �don�t want none no more�, we�re getting older now and don�t need any additional shit to add to all the other shit that goes in, so how about stopping that? I�m really starting to believe that it�s the latter. I truly do feel like the exception to the �addiction� rule. I can honestly say at this point (and realize this could change at another point, but this is my point at THIS point) that I feel I have no addictions to anything. I do not have an addictive personality. There is nothing that I have ever felt I needed to the extent that I would freak out if I didn�t get it. Not drugs, not food, not sex, not misery, not anything. My family in New York believes that everyone is an addict to something. Some of them belong to every 12-step program under the sun, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Adult Child of an Alcoholic Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous, those are the popular ones.

First step is denial. But what if you�re NOT IN �denial�? What if you truly have nothing to deny? It�s like being accused a witch, you deny and deny, but no one believes you until you �confess� (say what they want to hear). Well, I�m not saying it. I have nothing to deny. I have no addictions. I have things I like to do recreationally, whether they be sex or drugs, and I know the difference between recreational enjoyment and addiction. I know the difference for me. And I�m comfortable with it, and I DON�T have any �problems�, and that sounds like a denial, well it is. I DENY that I have any addictions. We think the word �deny� means, �I say I don�t when I really do.� Well, it doesn�t. It means, �I claim that that is not true.� That�s my definition. The latter. Nothing rules my life but me.

Though, I may get addicted to this new magic pill. The one thing I'll let myself get addicted to is feeling that clear and good in the morning. Who wants sniffles? Then again, if it was taken away, I've lived with the sniffles before, and I know it wouldn't kill me. Go figure, I'm a stubborn bitch. Nothing rules my life but me.

-Barbarella

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