My goodness, I am battling between extreme motivation and the fact that I�m completely unmotivated. Huh? That don�t make no sense, Barb! You know what scares me though? MS Word grammar check did not have a problem with the double negative in that last sentence. THAT scares me. I have a lot to do, I feel the urge to knock it all out, get it all done, go crazy with productivity. Just not �right� now. My boss didn�t make it in this morning, I�m not surprised. I was out in the field yesterday, but when I returned, I heard she had been on the phone all day, discussing child-care problems for her children, and she seemed to be at her wits end. Hence, my demotivating factor. While the cat�s away� Ah, but I know that I�ll get a lot done regardless, perhaps even more. It�s just the air about the office, that of slack, that of boredom. You know that feeling in the air? You know it. Sometimes, it buzzes with energy, and your body just wants to hum right along, join in the rhythm. Other times, it�s just there, stale, stagnant, and suddenly, you just want to sit in it and soak, like you would in a tub of warm water.

Same thing with office morale. It�s all contagious, it�s all related. Anyway, enough about that. I�ll just finish typing this so that I can prove the energy theory wrong and knock some things off my to-do list. There�s a poppy seed in my teeth, I can feel it with my tongue. But no one is around, so I�m just going to leave it there. Let�s see what happens. Look, there I go, digressing again. On with the update! Yesterday was GORGEOUS. After work, my sister and I went for a walk around Mission Bay to appreciate the beautiful sunset. Okay, so there was a bit of an overcast, not much of a sunset, but it was still lovely-FEELING (the air, the breeze off the water, the flowers in every yard, therefore very worth it.

I�ve been in a wonderful mood lately. A very optimistic mood, as if there is only good to come, only more to learn, many smiles to affect my face. I like that feeling. I feel confident and secure, as if nothing could break me. And that if there is anything that could upset me, I would be able to feel the upset and move on, even stronger than I was before. It�s incredibly powerful, this feeling of optimistic positivity, this resilience. I hope it lasts for awhile. But I�m not going to worry about it ending, I�m just going to feel it, bask in it, enjoy it.

Enough of my emotion-outlook mumbo jumbo. I�m excited about the Coachella Festival this weekend. I�m excited about friends who are in town tonight, playing at the Casbah. I�m excited about visiting LA next weekend to party at my old hangout, Insomnia, with my old friends up there, familiar faces. I kind of disappeared off the face of the earth a year ago for most of those people. Changed my number, moved away, never to be seen or heard from again. I hear that a lot of them still ask about me, through other mutual friends and acquaintances. No reason for me losing contact, except that it was energy and effort I wasn�t willing to expend in that area. Sometimes, when you go away, you just want to go away, jump off the ship and go for a swim without worrying about holding all the life-lines together. You can�t swim and hold all that at the same time, you know. Not without feeling hindered, pulled-back, restricted. I like to feel free.

But I am very excited to see them, and I can�t wait to catch up and hang out and basically relive a typical Saturday night of mine in LA. What fun there is to be had. Ooh, I can�t wait!

-Barbarella

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