Still glowing from my great weekend. Tonight, I�m going out with a group of friends to celebrate one lady�s birthday. The official birthday party is this weekend, and I feel bad about not making it. But here�s the deal: the party is a weekend camping trip. Last weekend, I spent two nights in Indio (near Palm Springs) for Coachella, partying. This weekend (a matter of days ago) I went to LA and partied. I just need a break. I don�t feel like camping out. I want to be close to home right now, mellow, relaxed, take a little break from all the partying I�ve been doing lately. I had to explain to her clearly that it is the event, not the occasion that is keeping me from going to this shindig. I�m sure we�ll all have a blast tonight, and I�ll get the chance to send some birthday wishes to the special lady, and hang with some dear friends to boot.

Speaking of camping, Burning Man is coming up. I don�t have the energy this morning to try and describe what that is, so if you haven�t heard of it, check out burningman.com, I�m sure there�s a lot of information there, or at a similar site. I�m thinking of not going this year, for myriad reasons. Last year was my first time out there, thousands of people, camping in the desert, bringing and building their creations to share with Black Rock City, a city that is created and destroyed in one week of every year. I had a great time. I plan on going again. Last year we had about 80 people in our camp. Planning went on for months in advance on the structure we would build, people delegated with certain responsibilities, communal kitchen, the whole-9-yards. It all came together pretty smoothly. But because of all the camp stuff, the first few days were pretty much spent setting things up, helping out, building, creating, being around instead of wandering the vast playa. Not that I actually did much, let�s not beat around the bush, I�m not one for anything proletarian. I�m not one of those people who thrives off of building or creating giant art pieces or physical structures.

My creativity spawns from my mind, and is kept in the simple format of words. Though I didn�t, as an individual, contribute too much towards the completion of the structure, the tension was in the air, of obligation for everyone to stick around and help until it was complete. Throughout the week, a few people took on the responsibilities and duties of a tribe. And it sucked for them, and they resented the majority for prancing the playa without a care in the world instead of �helping out at home�. I hate chores. Never liked �em. So this year, there have been meetings held, my friends are planning, on a smaller scale, but planning still. Camp plans, things to make, things to bring. All I can think is �time, money, time, money,� and I find myself shying away from the whole thing. I know how I want my next experience at Burning Man to be, how a first experience should be (though I regret nothing about MY amazing and wonderful first experience, I still have my ideals).

I just want to go. I want to be one of those people prancing the playa without a care in the world. I just want to bring a tent and food and water, whatever else I need, and go. In my life, I am an organizer, a planner, everything must be set up correctly, everyone must be taken care of. Burning Man is an environment that supports, allows, enables you to be whatever you want, someone completely different from your usual self. I want to go and be completely free from any drama, any obligation, any anything. I don�t want to bring anything to contribute, because I don�t know WHAT I would want to contribute yet. I haven�t truly experienced the whole thing. Last year, I stayed pretty close to the camp the whole time, partying in my tent. When I go next, all I want to do is explore. It seems as if since I returned from Burning Man last year, it�s been one big event, one big party after the other. And here it comes again, all so soon, all so much, all right now.

I may change my mind. As of right now, I�m toying with the idea of taking another trip to New York, visit some family and just party Manhattan style. As a working girl, I only get so much vacation time. But I don�t want to end up needing a vacation from my vacation, if you know what I mean. Sigh, why do I get like this? You know what it all comes down to, I just don�t want to be involved in anything right now. Which is almost odd, because usually, I like to be in the middle of everything always. But not now, not lately. I wonder if I showed up randomly at Burning Man, ran into a friend at this fabulous camp they�ve helped to create. I wonder if in the back of their mind, they would think me unwelcome to eat the corn that they had worked so hard to sew and harvest. You know, like that old chicken story. I�d just as soon not find out.

Lately, I don�t want to deal with anything. Not even my �what ifs.� My friends are gracious, wonderful and kind. But I know how their minds work, and I know how they view the whole, in comparison to how they view the few that they are. Usually open-minded, but not completely without judgment. I�m the same way. I have a close friend who strives to never judge, and does a great job at it. But there is a gray area in which I frequently get lost � aren�t all those opinions about �right and wrong� and �good and bad� considered judgment once you stick someone or something they do into one of those categories? Isn�t it? We all are not without judgment. We ALL have our opinions, and we ALL judge, whether we want to openly admit this or not. That�s what I mean by not wanting to deal with anything. I want to be in a place where the people don�t know me enough to have formed an �opinion�. Don�t know me enough to place judgment in their minds.

That will be my Burning Man experience. And now you see why in order to have that experience, I could not be around those who know me from this other world. Sometimes, I get all tense, constricted, crazed in a shell, and all I want to do is escape. And I know what that means: I need some me-time. I need to go to my spot at the lake, and I need to be. Alone. And think. And rejuvenate. And then, all of this, all of these wonderful people, these wonderful things, events, all of it won�t seem so overwhelming to me anymore. And I won�t want so badly to get away from my life.

-Barbarella

previous | next