Friday. All I want to do is go off on a Barb-bashing spree. This morning, I�m experiencing self-loathing. Doesn�t happen often, at least not anymore. Laying in my bed, comfortable as all hell (hell IS comfortable, right?), and not wanting to face the day. Because today is Friday, and a week of allowing stupid things to keep me from doing what I should have been doing has brought me to a day where I will have to face all of the things undone. I can�t believe that that sentence was grammatically correct. But I�m just going to have to trust Microsoft for now, am I not?

I could have made the best of a situation, I could have done more, could have at least gotten things done for me, whether or not I feel that the office warrants that level of production. It�s for me! I�m only fucking myself by allowing all this stupid shit to get in the way of my possible achievements. How frustrating that is to face. Regardless of what happens now, I have only myself to blame if I am met with failure before I find success. I�ve been sitting like a wounded rabbit, in front of the fox hole. Not tending to my wounds or making the slightest effort to half-hop out of danger, no, I just sat. As if some deus ex machina would rescue me. Divine intervention of some sort. All this time I�ve been thinking, where is mine? When what I should have been doing was transforming myself into my own savior. Waiters wait, that�s what they do. I am not a waiter. So why have I been waiting? And what the hell have I been waiting for? We must create our own happiness, not spend our lives waiting for someone to set it on our doorstep. It only arrives if you order it. That�s the rule of commerce, you know. And the rule of life, at least in my book, and trust me, I have several books.

So I need to shake this. I don�t like feeling this way, angry with myself. Disappointed in myself. It just doesn�t become me. I don�t feel good unless I�m doing something that makes me better, improves me in some way, whether it be learning, experiencing, doing. Anything that �grows� me, spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, whatever. Growth, learning, accomplishing. I just know that I am not utilizing what I�ve got. I�m not tapping into my talents and releasing them on the world. I�m not living true to myself.

God, what a sad acknowledgement. I am not living true to myself. On the brighter side, at least the recognition of that is a step towards getting to where I want to be, wherever that is. Feeling as if I am home wherever I go, happy always. They seem like such simple things. So simple that it is just plain stupid not to be there, when we know for sure that�s where we want to be. There�s just more to it than that, though. You have to GET there. There�s a path to take. I don�t care about being anywhere right now, I just want to be on the right path. One that I know will make me feel that I AM there, with every step that I take. Alright, enough of that for now, I don�t like doing this soul-spilling thing, revealing my Achilles heel, my recognized shortcomings. I don�t want to be stuck here.

On a brighter note, I just made all the ladies in my office laugh. By being sarcastic and rude, they think it�s hysterical. I just sat here at my desk, 4 of them gathered in my office, just looking at me, waiting for something funny to happen. �I�m so HAPPY that I can be here to entertain you ladies. You find this entertaining? That I woke up and can�t hear out of my right ear? That I�m having some kind of allergy drama? Great, wonderful to be able to amuse you.� All of it flying out of my mouth, drenched in sarcasm and attitude, and met with their giggles, their laughter. Yes, this is fun. And that wasn�t meant sarcastically. I enjoy being surrounded by people laughing. Whether it�s at me or not, just the sound, to be around it, laughter. Laughter is such a great thing. Let�s look at that word for a moment, that thing we all know, to Laugh. Encarta�s definition of laugh is: to make sounds from the throat while breathing out in short bursts or gasps as a way of expressing amusement. Gee, isn�t that the same thing that happens to most of us while climaxing? You know, orgasms? Think about it, breathing out in short bursts or �gasps�, only as a way of expressing excitement rather than amusement (that is, if you�re lucky and good in the sac, boys).

Alright, from depression to sex, see how my mind works? It�s a good thing it�s Friday. I have a lot of work to make up for today, from a week spent resenting whomever was lucky enough to be the brunt of my projected feelings of failure. Time to start taking accountability. Time to get on my fucking path. Haha. No pun intended. Get it? �Fucking path�? Sometimes, I just kill me.

-Barbarella

previous | next