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2001-05-18

Forgive the Rant, I'm already over it

My goodness, I am a walking zombie. It�s been too long since I�ve been out dancing, and last night was perfect for it, despite my little sufferings right now. Yes, this eyeliner is still on from last night, I apply it so perfectly it stains for a day if I don�t put eye-makeup remover directly on it. I know what you�re thinking: �Dirty, dirty whore!� Or maybe not. Maybe you didn�t have a thought at all, and I�m just a tad bit neurotic right now, hearing voices and seeing spots and shit like that. It�s all good. It has to be. It�s Friday.

Yesterday was WEIRD. I was in a weird mood, well several actually, all day, into the night. I was behaving oddly, even for me. It was just so back and forth! During the day, things going well with work, yet I was strangely annoyed with everyone and everything around me (by the way, I�ll tell you now, don�t even TRY to blame this on PMS, I know it�s not that). Little things at work, little things in my head, nagging thoughts, tenacious doubts. It all left me empty and angry. At everyone. The day was busy, didn�t take a lunch, got a lot done, and still felt like a phony and a failure at the end of the day. Got home, no parking spots, the muffled-ness of my right ear got worse (like pressure popping on a plane), I got home and literally threw a tantrum in front of my sister. I mean LITERALLY. I whined, I stomped my feet, I�d say that I was regressing, but according to both of my parents, I NEVER threw a tantrum as a child. So what, this is all new? Am I making up for it? Perhaps. I was tired, I was stressed, I was down, at my wit�s end, and the only thing to do was tell my sister over and over to �fuck off�. I felt much better afterwards and decided that I needed to go dancing, be around people, blow off some steam. Jenny totally agreed, and also understood my whole �incident�. She�s the queen of temper-tantrums.

I got to the club with my good friend, Eddie. Now this is where everything became REALLY weird (I know, find another word for �weird�, Barb, well I can�t! Half my brain is still on my pillow and the other half is diving into this coffee cup in search of salvation from this wretched day! I mean, I lost my thesaurus, heh heh). No one was free from my scrutiny. I passed judgment on all the poor souls that had the misfortune to pass before me. I thought to myself, �Gee, my self-esteem must be low tonight, because I am RIPPING apart ALL of these people!� That thought didn�t last long. See, half of them I loathed, detested, thought unworthy to even be in the same room with me. The other half, I loved with a passion, wanted to know better, hug, admire, you name it. But such extremes! I didn�t even care who heard me (I�m speaking louder, you know, because of this hearing thing I�ve got going on), I would say, �What the fuck is that? Who told that poor boy that those shoes would look good with those pants? Ah! She�s freaky, I mean I just got scared, Eddie.�

He tolerated me in my moment of human weakness. Then, to the other extreme. This poor kid walked by the pool tables, and tried to catch his sudden projectile vomit mid-air. Embarrassed, not wanting to get kicked out, he scrambled to clean it up and apologize, seemed almost okay, but security escorted him out nonetheless. I just wanted to hug him! I couldn�t stop saying, �Oh, that�s so sad, that poor kid, oh, he doesn�t want to leave!� What the fuck was up with me? I hate them all, I love them all, I want them all to die, I want to take them all in and do the nurturing thing. I must say, folks, I�m a little concerned about me. I can�t drink because of these antibiotics, maybe that was it. Coworker is in my office, signing a card for another coworker�s birthday. I�m sitting here, looking at my computer, and just sang the words, �I hate people�, to the tune of �I want candy� without realizing I was singing out loud. She gave me the oddest look, I laughed it off. I wonder what she thinks of me.

Didn�t say I cared, said I wondered. BIG difference. So, I�m fine, just full of judgment and that�s not the best state to be in, trust me, I�ll work through it. If anyone ever tells you I�m kind, all-accepting, nice, giving, loving, whatever, just bitch-slap them quickly and point them to this entry. I�m not. I�m evil. Save a few close friends, and a handful of acquaintances, I think that everyone is a retard (family exempt). I think that people have fucked up ways of looking at things and living their lives, and dealing with love and sex and relationships, and I�m no better. I�m just a bitter bitch in the corner who likes to pass judgment and why? Maybe because I�m trying to figure out where I am and what I want, and what is right and good and true. Or maybe, I think the world is twisted, and some of us twist ourselves to fit right in, to make a spot, to be something.

I don�t know what�s straight anymore. I don�t know what to think. My first inclination is to think, �You�re wrong. Whatever you�re doing is wrong, I can�t tell you why, but the fact that it goes against my grain, rubs me the wrong way, makes me tense up and turn up my nose, makes it wrong to me. Maybe not wrong to the world, but wrong to me. And I can�t tell you why, because I don�t know what�s RIGHT to me yet, and that bit of information is the prerequisite for being able to articulate what�s wrong.� Dancing last night, lights flashing, air from a vent blowing in my face, surrounded by people, I smiled, I laughed, I loved being in it. Then a thought, a look, an elbow, would change my face, and I�d frown, I�d scowl, I�d be filled with contempt. Such a mixture of thoughts and emotions.

There�s something I have to do, a decision I have to make, or maybe a few of them. And I don�t know what they are just yet, but I know it needs to happen soon. Because I am drowning myself with these judgments, these negative thoughts. I need to get away from it all. I need to do some serious soul-searching. Because something�s not right, something doesn�t fit, and I feel it, I feel it like a splinter, if I don�t move, I can hardly tell it�s there. But it IS there. And it�s time for me to get the tweezers and fish it out before my skin grows over it and it becomes perpetually interred. In the meantime, I�ll just be a bitch until everyone around me is chased away, doesn�t like me anymore. Then, I can think. And then, I can make some decisions. And maybe then, I�ll be me again, whoever the fuck that is this year.

-Barbarella

previous | next

2007-05-19
NEW SITE!!!!

2007-05-16
Links and Update

2007-05-09
Two Links

2007-05-06
Yes, Even MORE new pictures

2007-05-06
Mizz Asshole

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Forgive the Rant, I'm already over it 2001-05-18 9:26 a.m. My goodness, I am a walking zombie. It�s been too long since I�ve been out dancing, and last night was perfect for it, despite my little sufferings right now. Yes, this eyeliner is still on from last night, I apply it so perfectly it stains for a day if I don�t put eye-makeup remover directly on it. I know what you�re thinking: �Dirty, dirty whore!� Or maybe not. Maybe you didn�t have a thought at all, and I�m just a tad bit neurotic right now, hearing voices and seeing spots and shit like that. It�s all good. It has to be. It�s Friday.

Yesterday was WEIRD. I was in a weird mood, well several actually, all day, into the night. I was behaving oddly, even for me. It was just so back and forth! During the day, things going well with work, yet I was strangely annoyed with everyone and everything around me (by the way, I�ll tell you now, don�t even TRY to blame this on PMS, I know it�s not that). Little things at work, little things in my head, nagging thoughts, tenacious doubts. It all left me empty and angry. At everyone. The day was busy, didn�t take a lunch, got a lot done, and still felt like a phony and a failure at the end of the day. Got home, no parking spots, the muffled-ness of my right ear got worse (like pressure popping on a plane), I got home and literally threw a tantrum in front of my sister. I mean LITERALLY. I whined, I stomped my feet, I�d say that I was regressing, but according to both of my parents, I NEVER threw a tantrum as a child. So what, this is all new? Am I making up for it? Perhaps. I was tired, I was stressed, I was down, at my wit�s end, and the only thing to do was tell my sister over and over to �fuck off�. I felt much better afterwards and decided that I needed to go dancing, be around people, blow off some steam. Jenny totally agreed, and also understood my whole �incident�. She�s the queen of temper-tantrums.

I got to the club with my good friend, Eddie. Now this is where everything became REALLY weird (I know, find another word for �weird�, Barb, well I can�t! Half my brain is still on my pillow and the other half is diving into this coffee cup in search of salvation from this wretched day! I mean, I lost my thesaurus, heh heh). No one was free from my scrutiny. I passed judgment on all the poor souls that had the misfortune to pass before me. I thought to myself, �Gee, my self-esteem must be low tonight, because I am RIPPING apart ALL of these people!� That thought didn�t last long. See, half of them I loathed, detested, thought unworthy to even be in the same room with me. The other half, I loved with a passion, wanted to know better, hug, admire, you name it. But such extremes! I didn�t even care who heard me (I�m speaking louder, you know, because of this hearing thing I�ve got going on), I would say, �What the fuck is that? Who told that poor boy that those shoes would look good with those pants? Ah! She�s freaky, I mean I just got scared, Eddie.�

He tolerated me in my moment of human weakness. Then, to the other extreme. This poor kid walked by the pool tables, and tried to catch his sudden projectile vomit mid-air. Embarrassed, not wanting to get kicked out, he scrambled to clean it up and apologize, seemed almost okay, but security escorted him out nonetheless. I just wanted to hug him! I couldn�t stop saying, �Oh, that�s so sad, that poor kid, oh, he doesn�t want to leave!� What the fuck was up with me? I hate them all, I love them all, I want them all to die, I want to take them all in and do the nurturing thing. I must say, folks, I�m a little concerned about me. I can�t drink because of these antibiotics, maybe that was it. Coworker is in my office, signing a card for another coworker�s birthday. I�m sitting here, looking at my computer, and just sang the words, �I hate people�, to the tune of �I want candy� without realizing I was singing out loud. She gave me the oddest look, I laughed it off. I wonder what she thinks of me.

Didn�t say I cared, said I wondered. BIG difference. So, I�m fine, just full of judgment and that�s not the best state to be in, trust me, I�ll work through it. If anyone ever tells you I�m kind, all-accepting, nice, giving, loving, whatever, just bitch-slap them quickly and point them to this entry. I�m not. I�m evil. Save a few close friends, and a handful of acquaintances, I think that everyone is a retard (family exempt). I think that people have fucked up ways of looking at things and living their lives, and dealing with love and sex and relationships, and I�m no better. I�m just a bitter bitch in the corner who likes to pass judgment and why? Maybe because I�m trying to figure out where I am and what I want, and what is right and good and true. Or maybe, I think the world is twisted, and some of us twist ourselves to fit right in, to make a spot, to be something.

I don�t know what�s straight anymore. I don�t know what to think. My first inclination is to think, �You�re wrong. Whatever you�re doing is wrong, I can�t tell you why, but the fact that it goes against my grain, rubs me the wrong way, makes me tense up and turn up my nose, makes it wrong to me. Maybe not wrong to the world, but wrong to me. And I can�t tell you why, because I don�t know what�s RIGHT to me yet, and that bit of information is the prerequisite for being able to articulate what�s wrong.� Dancing last night, lights flashing, air from a vent blowing in my face, surrounded by people, I smiled, I laughed, I loved being in it. Then a thought, a look, an elbow, would change my face, and I�d frown, I�d scowl, I�d be filled with contempt. Such a mixture of thoughts and emotions.

There�s something I have to do, a decision I have to make, or maybe a few of them. And I don�t know what they are just yet, but I know it needs to happen soon. Because I am drowning myself with these judgments, these negative thoughts. I need to get away from it all. I need to do some serious soul-searching. Because something�s not right, something doesn�t fit, and I feel it, I feel it like a splinter, if I don�t move, I can hardly tell it�s there. But it IS there. And it�s time for me to get the tweezers and fish it out before my skin grows over it and it becomes perpetually interred. In the meantime, I�ll just be a bitch until everyone around me is chased away, doesn�t like me anymore. Then, I can think. And then, I can make some decisions. And maybe then, I�ll be me again, whoever the fuck that is this year.