I�m a nervous wreck � literally. So yesterday I got hives on my neck. Having a history of allergy problems, I immediately assumed it was allergies. But these didn�t itch, and they were perfect circles, so my next assumption was, �I�m dying.� On the phone with the nurse, they asked if I was experiencing any stress from my job or home. Uh, yeah. There you go. I am now physically responding to the stress I�ve been emotionally dealing with at my job. I don�t want to go into detail here, but a lot of things built up yesterday, one blow after another; at work, with my car situation (always been a stresser for me, anything to do with the car), until finally, I was at the bank, waiting my turn to speak with someone regarding car loans and debt consolidation rates. It was hell for me to get out of work early to get there. The woman told me I needed more information than I had, and that I�d have to come back regardless, preferably some morning, and �bring a good book�. They don�t make appointments, and they�re only open 9-5 Monday through Friday.

I broke down. I had reached my limit of stress. I quickly thanked her for her time, choking back a sob, and by the time I reached the door I was crying completely. Drove home in my sister�s car, angrily wiping tears from my cheeks, pissed that it�s come to this, that I broke down, overflowed, that my body can no longer hold in all of this stress, all of this drama, this worry, my fears, my faults. What upset me most of all, was the ruining of a near-perfect makeup job. Just kidding bout that last part, how shallow do you think I am?

I got home, my sister was there. She just sat and listened to me try to talk through sobs, watching with sympathy the mess that was before her, sprawled somewhere between the couch and the table, me, a rambling waterworks display. I felt much better after that. Spent, but better. It was nice to be depleted, a drained pool can�t leak. We went to dinner, just the two of us. She dropped me off at work this morning so I wouldn�t have to deal with the possibility of a breakdown in my car (I would so like to clean it before I get it towed, it�s like that thought some women have � need to wear cute panties in case you get in a car accident and the paramedics might just see and what would they think? Yes, we�re rational).

I just chatted with my boss, she�s on my side, she understands, fuck, she HAS to. She was here. She was in my position, she is still there, getting pressure, having personal issues that interfere with work. I�m just happy she knows that I know we�re in the same space, therefore cannot rag on each other because of our respective dramas.

Alright. Off to another training. I have to go present myself in front of a room full of people and pretend like I give a shit about anything. To keep us all from slitting our wrists, I�ll try to update later on a happier note. For now, I�m going to sigh heavily and keep putting the back of my hand to my forehead like Scarlet did when she just didn�t know what else to do. I won�t think about that today. I�ll think about it�.tomorrah.

-Barbarella

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