�If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?� -Alexander Solzhenitsyn, novelist, Nobel laureate (1918- )

Interesting quote, isn�t it? Kind of changed my mood this morning. I�m so apt to point the finger, you know. To tell myself that everyone else is bad and wrong, and that I�m just a victim in the whole scheme of things. But how inaccurate that really is. I�ve been stressed a lot lately, stressed at work, feeling like everything around me sucks, all the people around me suck. Yesterday, on the drive home, I was angry. I was crying. And I noticed that my mind was reeling, looking for names to think of, people to blame. Then I thought to myself, �what is it that I�m really upset at here?� and the answer began with a �B�. I was upset with myself because the things that are stressing me out the most are things I had control over, do have control over. It�s so much easier to be frustrated and distraught when an outside source is the cause of your drama. But when we finally realize that the only person to blame is �me�?

Well, what�s blame going to get accomplished anyhow. All this means is that I have to stop bitching, because stress and drama at work, I could have avoided a lot of it. It�s annoying, but it�s also liberating. And liberation is unparalleled. So, time to take back control of my life, though I must admit, this recent self-indulging depression and woe has had its comfort spots. It was nice in a way. When we are victims, we don�t have to do anything but bitch about being victims. We are wronged, therefore the responsibility lies in others to fix their injustices. It�s nice when you�re feeling lazy. It�s easier to dream than it is to do. But that can only sustain a person for so long. I�m sick and tired of my moping.

I love to point out people�s faults. Where they suck, where they could improve, what their problems are. Do you realize how sick that is? And it�s a sickness that spreads contagiously inwards, until I find myself doing the same thing to me, berating and chastising, highlighting my faults, my failures, my problems. And then, I get annoyed with it all. And have to stop. And have to escape. And put something positive back into this gray muck, give it some color, some life, a bit of fragrance that makes us want to keep breathing, deeper and deeper. I never said I couldn�t be melodramatic. A bit of that just runs in my family.

Speaking of family. I am a very lucky person. I have two weirdo parents who love me. I mean, really love me, then kind of parent who would give their last drop of blood for any one of us. That no matter what they say, how many �No�s�, how much disappointment in whatever, I have never been want of anything. They give and give, and give. Three sisters. Three psycho, giddy, crazy, loving, laughing and crying sisters. Who love me. Three women who support, encourage, push, and bicker. Outrageous, conservative, successful, always around when truly needed. What right have I to wallow in a dark depression when I have all that light directed right at me? Shining all over me? How selfish I can be. What was the point, really? Attention? Usually, that may be the case. But no, not this time. Because I�ve only wanted to be alone. There�s no attention in that, at least not the kind that I typically desire.

And friends. Friends who I can call and mope to, friends who drop everything to come over and watch me mope (as if that�s fun at all). Friends who take my side in anything, regardless of my twisted logic. Friends who love me. Friends who care about my mood, about my life, about my love. Good friends. Who laugh, and cry, with me. Friends who if proportionately built as their characteristics would look like nothing but huge ears attached to a giant enveloping shoulder, with a mouth on the other side to offer words. Words. I�m over my little slump. I have too many great things in my life to let one insignificant aspect of it affect everything. Life IS good. Even if work sucks.

-Barbarella

previous | next