Okay, where am I at. I went to meditation tonight. Oh, did I ever. It�s been too long since I�ve sat in a room among loving, accepting people, and heard Jacob speak. How long it had been was quite apparent to those around me. I don�t know how long I�ve had so much pent up in me, but for some reason, from the moment I sat down, I was an endless leak, wet face, loud sniffles, streaming, pouring down my cheeks. At one point, I just stopped the futile wiping and drying of tears, more would come anyway, why bother? Was Jacob speaking of sad subjects? No. Jacob talks about life, about people, about the things we touch upon in our heads, skim the surface of, but never quite reach.

Tonight, do I remember exactly what he was saying? No, not really. But everything he said hit a chord in me. Everything seemed to be taking me back to that same, horrific spot � myself. And I couldn�t get away. I couldn�t leave, I couldn�t move, I couldn�t daydream or read, I was there, facing it, facing me, listening to him talk about perceptions and acceptance, quoting from the Course in Miracles, a book he knows so well. All I could think, over and over, was �I am the problem. I am the problem. My issues are with me, I am my challenge, I am the obstacle. Me.�

He asked us to think of something about us, a characteristic perhaps, something that is representative of what we may be projecting, and own it. For example, some of us become those things we resent most in others. What was mine? At that moment, what was it about me that I was doing, how I was living, that I needed to take ownership of that I hadn�t already? I thought, �Well, I know I�m a failure, it�s not like I�m in denial about my failures, about sucking, sucking, WAIT!� That sounds familiar. That sounded kind of like my mother way back when. Disappointment from my father, too. Even from my sisters, old, old stuff. All this self-loathing from such a recent past of self-love. What have I become? Who am I imitating here? It was so clear and cloudy at the same time. What is my fucking problem, I thought. There you go again, that sounded just like her too! And there it went, my inner dialogue, over and over, back and forth with me and me, all coming to the same conclusion � I�m no good.

Just when that was hitting me, tears now having a nice, wet path to stick to, follow down, like ants in a trail, I glanced up and to my left, and who did I see? Kevin. Kevin who was in my dream the other night, Kevin who represented in that dream all of the things I wanted to go back to in a workplace, or get out of a future workplace. Kevin who actually made me want to succeed AND feel that I was capable of doing so. I completely lost it.

I sobbed so loud and uncontrollably that people turned and looked. Shamed, I buried my head in my hands as my glasses fell to the floor with a �clink�. Kelly picked them up for me. I couldn�t move, and worst of all, I could NOT STOP CRYING. No matter what I did, what I thought, it just all came out, more then than it had for that whole hour of consistently flowing tears. A river of wet and an earthquake of body-racking sobs. And I had no control. I know, this is getting a bit depressing here. Well, imagine how I felt, just knowing that my face was red and puffy and wet, and with no tissues around, I couldn�t contain all the moisture around my head.

John came and gave me a hug (one of those shoulder-ear people I mentioned in my previous entry). My friends were awesome, just sat around and let me cry. I did say hi to Kevin, and kept my composure. It�s not like I was going to run up to him and say, �Hey! I dreamt about you and now you made me cry, AHAHAHAAA!� Could appear a bit freaky. So after the waterworks and the cool down episode, we went for drinks (great idea, M) and some laughter and some company. I still have sobs in me. That�s okay. I�d SO much rather cry in private than with an audience of 200. But it sure was nice to have my friends there for my little �break-down�. And the fact that I couldn�t stop or control my body once emotion took over just tells you how much I really needed it.

Thank God I went. If I�d waited another week, I can just imagine those poor folks floating around in a sea of snot and tears, thanks to my pent-up stresses and whatever else the fuck I�m psychologically going through. Sometimes, you just need a good cry. And you need to actually let yourself have it. Because if you don�t, it�s going to have �itself� whether you like it or not. Yup, mine was just had. I didn�t like it at the time, but right now, I�m afraid of what could have happened had I not had that emotional release. Jacob�s good for a lot of things. One of those things, is knowing how to hit the notes just so, and the song we hear somehow ends up being the same song we needed to hear most at that moment. Call it a gift. If you don�t know who this Jacob fellow is, check out my profile, he�s in my favorites.

Nothing like a good sleep after a debilitating cry and a stiff girly-drink.

-Barbarella

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