Last night I was filled with a loathing and anxiety about coming into work today. I just didn�t want to. I was angry at the thought of walking in here, of doing the things I need to do, dealing with the people I need to deal with. Now that I�m here, I�m fine. But isn�t that odd? That I could get so emotionally tense over something so simple and routine, so �given�? Maybe that was it, the fact that I felt that I hated it so much and there�s just no way around it. New car, new bills, knowing that I couldn�t just leave if I wanted to. It wouldn�t be the responsible thing. And that angered me, I felt trapped. It took a lot of mind coercing to motivate myself out of bed this morning. But I believe I am convinced enough at this point to get through it. It took telling myself that this is my choice, that I am choosing responsibility and choosing to work hard for my own sense of accomplishments and fuck the little things, like people, that annoy me, because I will succeed despite them, that got me here today.

Okay, are we done with that? I had a nice, relaxing weekend. Needed it. Friday night, hung with my sister and a friend of hers. Saturday was perfect. Woke up early, felt rested, got my nails done, ran some errands, had lunch with my sister. Then, napped for a few hours (why was I so exhausted?) and met up with some friends at Hamburger Mary�s, a Hillcrest hotspot. A few drinks and a stiff buzz later, I broke away with S to get ready for our evening. It was lovely, hanging out with her from early to late evening, to wee early hours of morning. It�s been a long time since we�ve had that one-on-one with each other. We hung for a while, then headed downtown for the last shebang at the wine bar. That�s it, the wine bar is finished, kaput, done. And everyone flocked down there to suck up the last few drops of another phase passing by.

It was fun. I was in a weird head-space for a bit there, though, that kinda sucked. You ever get to a party and just become that pensive wallflower? When it�s so unlike you? Well, it�s unlike me, that�s for sure. But there I was, staring off into space, lost in thoughtless thought, traveling blindly through the dark, dank world of what ifs. S snapped me out of it. I�m so happy she was there. So, back to seeing the faces of people I loved, of people I don�t love, all around me, celebrating the same thing: life and friends and drink and merriment. Blasted sangria, made with champagne instead of wine. Had a bitch of a hangover the next day. Got pulled into a corner by a cute little player, had me trapped and said, �Have I told you tonight that I love you?� I said, �No, but keep it up, that�s the kind of thing I love to hear,� and escaped back to the festivities.

I saw A.I. last night. Interesting, mix between Spielberg and Kubrick. So it ends up being this poignant and emotional/moral conundrum, but spiked with freaky bone-chilling moments. Like I said, interesting. Worth the watch. About three quarters of the way through it, when the movie takes a sudden and random turn, I remember turning to my sister in the dark and saying, �what the fuck?� which left us laughing through the next few minutes and unfortunately, probably annoying those around us. They�ll live. That kid is an amazing actor. And Jude Law is, well, Jude Law is masturbation material. The man is perfect, and to imagine him as a flawless lover robot, well, it�s just, it�s fucking mind blowing.

Alright, so here I am, on with the day, going to get through it with a smile on my face if it kills me. I can do this, right? Tell me I can do this. Sometimes, I just need to hear it.

-Barbarella

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