The drivers on the freeway were CRAZY this morning. I mean, fuckin� nutso. I watched a guy in a dark purple sedan ride someone�s ass in the fast lane (in the traffic, they were already going at least 75 or 80 m/p/h). Then, he cut to the right, almost hitting another car, and cut back to the left, in front of her, his rear bumper missing her front bumper by mere inches. And THEN, as if that wasn�t already the ultimate show of an asshole, he slams on his breaks, her less than a FOOT behind him, traveling at that fast speed, and she has to slam hers so as not to hit him and cause a horrible accident. I was appalled. I wanted to be able to say something, to drive up next to this little prick and let him know, somehow, what an asshole he is. But with people like that, it�s usually pointless to waste your energy trying to communicate anything. I mean, that�s why they�re assholes, it�s not like they�re going to get it anyway.

So that was annoying. Other people driving usually annoys me, when they blatantly drive like shit, I�m irked beyond my limits. But I�m fine now. At least I felt rested this morning. Ah, so nice to be getting sleep. I don�t want to do anything tonight. I want to sit and read, maybe write, and lay down and sleep. Feels SO good. Got my laundry done yesterday, ahhh, clean clothes. Did it right after work, so I was ready when my dad called and said he was coming to take me to dinner and then to see Jenny and Sean play indoor soccer. Heather, my sister who is married to Sean, just got back from New York yesterday, I didn�t want to pass up the chance to catch her and get the update on her trip while it was all still fresh in her head.

Dinner with Dad was a treat, as always. Do you know what a sigmoidoscopy is? Well, let me first explain what a sigmoidoscope is: a fiber-optic tubular instrument inserted through the anus for examining the interior of the rectum and sigmoid colon. Yeah, the story starts with �when a man turns 50�� I swear, when he was trying to relay the story to Heather, I cut him off so much that we heard that line half a dozen times. Hee hee. Anyway, my father explained the Discovery Channel tour he took of his insides, and how "beautiful" it was. How the nurse even said it was beautiful. And he attributes the health of his intestines and colon to (you guessed it!) ketchup. Yes, yes, I know, sounds crazy, don�t it. Well, any tomato product is good for a man�s prostate, and my father ingests ketchup like a bee ingests honey. It�s his life-blood. I told him, �Alright, alright, you�ve got a beautiful asshole, I REALLY don�t want to hear about it anymore,� right before he went into the explanation for Heather. You should have seen the look on her face. �You�re not about to tell me about your ASSHOLE, are you Dad?� �No, no, it�s your INSIDES, way up in there, now let me tell my story! When a man turns 50��

Ha ha. The game was fun to watch. I love hanging out with Heather. Jenny got a goal, Sean got nutmegged (a few times), that�s when the ball gets kicked right between your legs. Heather made her gum into the trash can at the bottom of the bleachers, and we laughed and giggled from start to finish. Because that�s what we sisters do when we get together. We laugh and giggle and it�s all a joke that only WE know the punch line to. Before going home, Heather gave me some presents she and my mother purchased for me in New York. A case of LOVELY lipsticks (I�m wearing the lavender right now, it�s the perfect moisture and sparkle, I want to get this whole makeup line now!). A New York Subway shot glass (as if I could do a shot without puking), and then the present from my mom.

Oh yes, that "thing" that she gave me. I don�t think it�s possible to describe this thing. I wish I had a scanner, I�d put a picture right on here (I�ll work on it). But let me try. I know that it�s supposed to be a candle-holder of some sort. It�s all a bronzy color, but it�s made out of plaster-covered wire. Hmm. Picture Cupid bent over, left hand grasping onto something (as if he�s holding himself up with it), right hand up in the air (as if he�s riding a bull in a rodeo and keeping balance), butt-crack SHOWING, and some leafy cloth thing under his ass. It�s like he�s either riding this thing in his butt or trying to get away from it, I can�t tell yet, I�ll need to stare at it some more. And the look on his face� oh, the look on his face. No expression, really, flat mouth, empty eyes. So you can�t tell if this is punishment or pleasure for the little pervert. Disturbing. VERY disturbing. If you know me, you must come to my place as soon as humanly possible and check this thing out. I need a second opinion.

Thanks for the, uh� candle holder, Mom. I�ll be sure to write a paranormal thriller about it. Or a supernatural erotica story. But despite the, um, �inspiration�, I am deeply disturbed.

-Barbarella

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