I�m very impressed with my makeup this morning. Slept right through my alarm, well okay, I heard it and turned it off and then went back to sleep and didn�t wake up when I wanted to, but still! Brought my makeup into work to do it here. Maybe it�s the lighting. Either way, I am pleased. I�ve been thinking about morality and relationships again lately, well �thinking� is a euphemism. Analyzing and obsessing and judging and such is a tad bit more accurate. Why? Well you know, I hear things, about friends, about people around me. Not too difficult or secret when some of these things are broadcast to the world via internet anyway. And sometimes when I hear things, it evokes strong emotion in me for one reason or another. It is when something affects me in this way that I stop to ponder why. And when I ponder, when Barb is a �pensive girl�, as Kitty likes to call those moments, well, I come up with a plethora of conclusions.

First let me say this: I do NOT like to judge my friends. I DO have opinions about those that I care about, and I DO disagree with some of their choices. Now having said that, I do have some judgments, and my opinions change as I learn and grow. But they are still mine and I will own them. Anyway, what the hell am I getting at here? Incest. Friends fucking friends who fuck the friends their friends just fucked, who pass each other around like vibrators, and who seem to keep within a certain crowd either intentionally or because they just don�t know any better.

I have nothing against promiscuity, I like to consider myself a bit of a slut. But when you find yourself fucking the same people that your friends are fucking, on an emotionally mature level, I just don�t think that would work for very long. On a �playing doctor� experimentation, I don�t know who I am or what I want level, well maybe, who am I to say? All I know is that the group I am hanging with now, these wonderful women friends of mine, are not incestuous. Meaning, if I went on ONE date with someone, that someone is knocked off the girls� availability list, and not because I said so, just because they wouldn�t dream of going out with a guy that one of their closest friends was dating/fucking/have dated/have fucked.

In all honesty, I find it disgusting. A girl who would fuck a guy who just fucked her roommate and best friend in the same house? Whether it�s okay with the first girl or not, I still find it wrong. There�s the morality question. Who am I to say what is right or wrong? I just know that from my experience (and I believe I have a good amount), this kind of friend-fucking-passing-around-incestuous group stuff does not work in the real world. When people grow up and decide to have families or an emotionally mature relationship with emotionally mature and secure-with-themselves friends, this does not work. And I don�t know why I have such feelings about it, and I don�t know why I harbor such disgust towards certain situations. I don�t want to feel that way.

All I know is that there is only one person in or around a situation like this that I actually care about deeply. The rest, well, I could take them or leave them, and based on the history of choices and life decisions that I�ve been around to witness, and tornadoes of drama that I�ve been caught up in, I�m probably better off with the latter. I want to grow up and move forward, not get caught up and turned around. I like to know where I�m going. But this has nothing to do with what I�m talking about. What I�m talking about, is the difference between my �morals�, �beliefs�, �choices�, whatever you want to call them, and those of my friends and acquaintances. And what I find when I ponder these issues, is that I want to accept those differences when it comes to the few that I know, love, and truly care about, and learn to share my opinion whether it�s wanted or not, because if someone is a good friend, they can hear an opinion and take it to heart without getting angry.

I mean, it�s my opinion. If you hate me for my opinion, then you don�t love me. And as far as the others, these incestuous creatures that run amuck in my social peripheral vision, well, I refuse to associate with them any further. Sounds harsh, doesn�t it. Sure does beat moving to New York, as I originally intended in order to separate and start anew. And what you must realize, is that this is what I am thinking NOW. This is my spew pot of thought, and I will refuse and deny any comment to any person I know in person based on this entry. I love my friends and I want to see them happy and I want to see them make the right choices. And if a choice of theirs is right for them and not right for me, that doesn�t mean I don�t love them just as much. Make any sense? That was a disclaimer. What I�m trying to say, is that I have grown past the sex-for-the-sake-of-sex phase and I am ready for emotional maturity and attachment. I have also grown out of the listening-to-other-people�s-drama-they-create-themselves phase.

I may be going through some MAJOR changes soon, layoffs at work, family stuff, life stuff. And the LAST thing I want to deal with is sex-with-friends current events. I�d rather not know and not care than find out and have this nasty taste in my mouth because I disagree with it THAT strongly. I�m over it, I have vented, take it as you will, think it�s about you or not, I have work to do today and later, I am going out somewhere and who knows� maybe I�ll meet a man.

-Barbarella

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