AAAH! I was late AGAIN to work today. Tough week, I�m tellin� ya. This time though, not because I was up puking, I think I was just catching up from lost sleep recently. I remember reaching to turn the alarm off and laying my head back on my pillow to sigh and smile at the comfort of just laying there. Then I must have passed right back out. Next thing I know, I�m up and running around, calling work, throwing on clothes, brushing my teeth and just overall freaking out. I HATE to be late. For ANYTHING. This is two days in a row now. Ay dios mio!

Ah, but worth it. I got written up yesterday. Yup, everyone in my position in this region is not making the numbers (gee, wonder why, could it be because of the recent economy in San Diego?) The Program Manager for my division walks in, I had no idea he was coming. He went into my boss�s office and closed the door. I tapped on the window (you can see them in there) and said, �What�s with this closed-door shit? If you�re gonna fire me, do it to my face!� and walked away, laughing hysterically. My coworkers were shocked, stood looking at me, mouths agape, as if I had grown a fucking dick on my forehead or something. See, what they don�t realize is, I can make light of any situation, especially those involving ME. AND, that I actually have a great relationship with this Program Manager, we joke around with each other all the time. He and I spent a week in Phoenix training with other folks when we first started here. It was all downhill from there, he knows my spots, but it�s all good, because he likes the colors.

So, giggling, he walks after me, into my office. My boss wasn�t laughing, she looked nervous and scared, actually. She takes my low numbers too personally, like she�s not giving good direction if I�m not performing to par. Anyway, into her office the three of us go. Pretty standard, really. Sign this paper to prove you know what your quota is, yadda yadda, blah blah blah. With a shit-eating grin on my face, I said, �Tony, this is going to be the BEST write-up experience you�ve EVER had. Trust me.� He gave me a lot of great suggestions, told me I was on the right track, with more activity on my desk than others in this area, and something about support, and something about plans and strategies. I was very receptive, smiling, and appreciative to hear suggestions from someone with such expertise in the industry. Finally, all done, I said, �Great write-up, Tony, really. That was beautiful. Okay, are we done with this little write-up sesh? How bout a smoke?�

My boss looked disturbed. Tony and I laughed our way outside for a smoke, and joked a bit before he headed to the next office to give the next write-up. Poor guy, he�s getting ridden from upstairs and he looked more stressed out than I�ve ever seen him. Boring write-up story? Man, I wish I could tell you about the girls. What they did yesterday, about last night. But some things are not meant to be shared with the masses, and I wouldn�t want rumors going around about my Summer Girls. Pixie and Kitty were fucking hysterical, that�s all I can say. And I got to bed at a pretty decent hour. I�ve just got this funny attitude today, you know, just like this �fuck it all!� attitude. In regards to people. I�m always worrying what people think of me, what they think of what I do, what they think of what I think. You know what? Fuck �em.

Jacob wrote something yesterday about giving up the struggle, that we have no control over people�s perceptions of us, so stop defending and justifying. I need to do that. I could tell my friends something until I�m blue in the face, but on some level, they will think what they want to think anyway. So? I still love them. So what then? Fuck that aspect of them. I accept it, it�s in all of us. When I say fuck it, I mean fuck getting caught up in it. There�s much more fun to be had living life than analyzing it. Trust me, I speak from experience here. And Kitty and Pixie? You girls fucking kill me. FUNNY.

Alright, back to those �numbers�. Wouldn�t want another write-up or anything. God, I love my attitude. All the shit going on and I�m just in this non-stop fabulous mood, taking it all in stride and simply enjoying myself (and all the bills are paid, Dad). I wouldn�t want to be anyone else. I LOVE being ME.

-Barbarella

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