Sitting here, trying to eat a piece of marble cake for breakfast, and for no reason I can think of, the piece of spongy goodness on my fork is propelled across the room. I think I had a spasm in my hand or something, but whatever the reason, it looked pretty cool. That�s like something I couldn�t do if I tried, but was inevitable if I didn�t want it to happen. You know all about Murphy�s Law, don�t you? Well, I always try to abide by the law. Not the kind of law that says �sodomy and drugs are bad�, but the kind that says, �as soon as you light your cigarette, the food�s gonna finally show up.�

If you get me on that, then you�re a fucking sicko and you shouldn�t be smoking, it�s bad for you. And I love you. So anyway, cake altercation is over, let�s go about business as usual. Got a few pics back from my birthday party, I�m going to eventually go through all the pics available and choose one to replace that photo up above. Yup, good ol� blue will be replaced with a racy red. See, I go through phases.

Tonight, I�m going to have my birthday dinner with the family, minus my dad, because he�s in Florida on war-gaming business. Fun. But I�m really excited to be surrounded by all of my sisters, like I�ve mentioned before, there is an energy in this world that can only be created by combining these 4 women, namely my sisters and me. I envision this energy, if it were to be visible and tangible, as four colors in four separate streams, independent, all very different. And when these colors meet and run together, they don�t mix and make a brown, mucky water, rather, they braid and intertwine, and compliment each other, shining brighter, laughing louder, flowing faster. If that makes any sense at all. What are the colors, you wonder? Doesn�t matter. They�re always changing, but realize that if one of us is fading, becoming dull at all, all we need do is take a swim with the rest to become vibrant again. It�s magical.

This is a week of relaxation for me. Last night, I shared a lovely dinner with Cyrano and Jen, then popped a sleeping pill (first time!) and crawled into slumber in the most comfortable and fuzzy way. One thing that concerns me� well, maybe �concern� isn�t the best word to use here. One thing that I�ve noticed, is that I�m withdrawing into myself again, climbing up onto that mental shelf in my mind, the one with just enough room for me to squeeze into with a pen and paper. It�s been a busy several months. Hell, it�s been a busy everything, always. And there is always stuff to do, and there are always decisions to be made, every minute of every day. But it would be nice to disappear for awhile. I�m kinda digging this relaxing idea. This break, this mellow, this stay at home kinda thing. I know it won�t last long. It never does.

Which is why I must jump at the chance now! See, usually I feel this way, want to do these things, but by the time I actually plan to DO them, to relax, all these other things come up that I don�t want to miss, that I want to attend and enjoy. Somewhere, there is a balance. I know I�ll find it, I feel that I�m getting close even now. So we�ll see. I�ll relax with my sisters tonight, I�ll play things by ear, and I won�t book my calendar as I�m oft apt to do. C�mon, how often do you actually get to see the words �oft� & �apt� used sequentially AND correctly? I know you must be as impressed with me as I am right now.

Good times are ahead, I can feel it, even in the light (or dark) of so much world drama. I�ve never before felt this sense of pride in my people, my country, my friends, my community. Sometimes, the forest has to burn down for new and lusher grass to grow, for another ecosystem to emerge and thrive. I sense that happening, this change towards unity and spirituality, love and peace. And I dreamt last night that if Jeffrey could have seen the eventual outcome of such a tragedy, the positive impact it could possibly have on the world, that he would have still willingly run into that building and given his life for it. Hell, he did that anyway. There�s a song by the Indigo Girls, �Mystery�, and a line in it says, �There must be a thousand things you would die for, I can hardly think of two.� That�s Jeffrey. He�d of risked his life to save the family pet. And perhaps, with those thoughts in my mind, that is why I have this strange sense of optimism, of hope. Of faith.

And with such thoughtful and touching words, I cannot fucking believe that the word �sodomy� is at the beginning of this entry. But such is life. And such is me. And crazy, non sequitor writing is just my style. So, here�s to another day! Can you handle it? I finally think that just maybe, so can I.

-Barbarella

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