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2001-10-01

Transitions and Tripods

Some people refer to death as a �transition�. I find that this doesn�t just apply to the death of people; it can also apply to the death of any aspect or part of your life. The end of something, but rather than calling it the �end�, we acknowledge the cycles in life by referring to these �deaths� as �transitions�. On a few occasions in my life, I have gone through such phases. I call it the shifting of my tripod. What the hell does that mean? I may have written about this before, but truly, I don�t feel like scrolling through my hundreds of entries to locate it, so let me explain it again as best I can. Our tripods are as different as we are. Mine changes from time to time, but usually those three legs are Professional Life, Family Life, Friends/Romantic Life. Sometimes, one of these legs gets wabbly, may break in half, and we have the other two to lean back on, to carry us through the unstable times. And even more rare, all of our legs will crumble beneath us. We feel distraught, hopeless, overwhelmed, confused. We get through it. We learn, we work our way back up into a standing position, and find that once standing, we seem to be a bit taller than we were before we fell. We can see above the layers we were trapped in, back when we didn�t realize we were trapped. What does this mean to me now?

I�ve never felt my life in such disarray, such uncertainty and yet felt this foreign sense of �rightness� at the same time. I�ll list the few things that have knocked me into this latest transition of mine. I had to exchange my birthday present, tickets to Cabo, my vacation with my girls, in for a ticket to a funeral on the East Coast. Friday, I was fired from my job. Later, a flame I didn�t realize I was holding for someone, a lingering interest in possibilities, was abruptly extinguished by the bittersweet breath of reality.

All in a month. And I couldn�t imagine things any other way. It just all feels so �right�. Yes, it�s sad and tragic that my cousin has passed, transitioned, if you will, to another space and energy. But now I will gather with family I so rarely get to see, and I know that all of us together will renew each other and grow in the kind of love and unity that can only come from a loss such as this one. My girls will be here when I return. My job? What, Barb, you got FIRED? Yup. Not meeting the quota, folks, sales have been down for months. And we all know, I hated that job with a passion. As for the flame? Just something else to hold on to in my mind, something else to keep me from moving forward, even though all signs in my life point to Yes.

Death, rebirth. I have a tattoo of a Phoenix, the bird of rebirth, of reincarnation. Living only to die, dying only to rise from its own ashes and live again. There�s a reason for that, you know. I believe in change. I�ve been sitting on my ass, letting the world run around me, not taking an active role in my life at all. Waiting, waiting. And wanting. Not willing to make any step in any direction, content with mediocrity. And the Universe was watching the entire time, looking for its moment to jerk me out of this bubble of illusion I�ve created for myself, this ease I�ve fallen into and become comfortable with. Well, Universe, I have heard you, and I thank you wholeheartedly. There is much change on the way. Sometimes, certain things need to die in order to make room for new life, new growth.

This weekend has been perfect. Friday, I had my moping, of course, there�s always the initial shock of death, and I WAS fired, so it was slightly traumatic. But I knew it�s what I wanted, what I needed in order to find my path. Saturday, lunch with Dad, and then Heather and I spent the day at the Adams Avenue Street Fair, listened to friends play music, watched people, got a bit of a tan. Then we went to dinner and a movie, relishing in being around each other, sharing the looks and laughs that only sisters share. Just being around people who KNOW me, I mean REALLY KNOW me. I needed that. No explanation, no extra energy needed. For the first time in I don�t know how long, I did not go out and socialize over the weekend. I feel myself withdrawing in the sweetest way, a mental and emotional fetus position. Getting back to basics. I feel like everything I�ve known has been written by me, my plans, on a giant slate that I�ve been standing on. And some huge force has ripped the slate from under me. Left with no agenda, no plans, crawling like a baby, and just when I begin to cry with despair, the slate is handed back. And it is blank. All that is left for me to do is embrace what comes my way, for now I have nothing but space.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I�ll be there. With open arms and open eyes. Just like the song. The Universe has spoken, and I�m all ears. And yes, there is stress, and yes, there is fear. But nothing I can�t handle. Despite those feelings, I�m strangely �okay�. I look forward to newness, to growth, and to this new phase of my life as I slowly begin to rebuild the legs of MY tripod. Because I have this feeling, this knowledge almost, that after THIS transition, I will be taller than I ever have before. And that�s just the beginning.

-Barbarella

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2007-05-19
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Transitions and Tripods 2001-10-01 12:23 a.m. Some people refer to death as a �transition�. I find that this doesn�t just apply to the death of people; it can also apply to the death of any aspect or part of your life. The end of something, but rather than calling it the �end�, we acknowledge the cycles in life by referring to these �deaths� as �transitions�. On a few occasions in my life, I have gone through such phases. I call it the shifting of my tripod. What the hell does that mean? I may have written about this before, but truly, I don�t feel like scrolling through my hundreds of entries to locate it, so let me explain it again as best I can. Our tripods are as different as we are. Mine changes from time to time, but usually those three legs are Professional Life, Family Life, Friends/Romantic Life. Sometimes, one of these legs gets wabbly, may break in half, and we have the other two to lean back on, to carry us through the unstable times. And even more rare, all of our legs will crumble beneath us. We feel distraught, hopeless, overwhelmed, confused. We get through it. We learn, we work our way back up into a standing position, and find that once standing, we seem to be a bit taller than we were before we fell. We can see above the layers we were trapped in, back when we didn�t realize we were trapped. What does this mean to me now?

I�ve never felt my life in such disarray, such uncertainty and yet felt this foreign sense of �rightness� at the same time. I�ll list the few things that have knocked me into this latest transition of mine. I had to exchange my birthday present, tickets to Cabo, my vacation with my girls, in for a ticket to a funeral on the East Coast. Friday, I was fired from my job. Later, a flame I didn�t realize I was holding for someone, a lingering interest in possibilities, was abruptly extinguished by the bittersweet breath of reality.

All in a month. And I couldn�t imagine things any other way. It just all feels so �right�. Yes, it�s sad and tragic that my cousin has passed, transitioned, if you will, to another space and energy. But now I will gather with family I so rarely get to see, and I know that all of us together will renew each other and grow in the kind of love and unity that can only come from a loss such as this one. My girls will be here when I return. My job? What, Barb, you got FIRED? Yup. Not meeting the quota, folks, sales have been down for months. And we all know, I hated that job with a passion. As for the flame? Just something else to hold on to in my mind, something else to keep me from moving forward, even though all signs in my life point to Yes.

Death, rebirth. I have a tattoo of a Phoenix, the bird of rebirth, of reincarnation. Living only to die, dying only to rise from its own ashes and live again. There�s a reason for that, you know. I believe in change. I�ve been sitting on my ass, letting the world run around me, not taking an active role in my life at all. Waiting, waiting. And wanting. Not willing to make any step in any direction, content with mediocrity. And the Universe was watching the entire time, looking for its moment to jerk me out of this bubble of illusion I�ve created for myself, this ease I�ve fallen into and become comfortable with. Well, Universe, I have heard you, and I thank you wholeheartedly. There is much change on the way. Sometimes, certain things need to die in order to make room for new life, new growth.

This weekend has been perfect. Friday, I had my moping, of course, there�s always the initial shock of death, and I WAS fired, so it was slightly traumatic. But I knew it�s what I wanted, what I needed in order to find my path. Saturday, lunch with Dad, and then Heather and I spent the day at the Adams Avenue Street Fair, listened to friends play music, watched people, got a bit of a tan. Then we went to dinner and a movie, relishing in being around each other, sharing the looks and laughs that only sisters share. Just being around people who KNOW me, I mean REALLY KNOW me. I needed that. No explanation, no extra energy needed. For the first time in I don�t know how long, I did not go out and socialize over the weekend. I feel myself withdrawing in the sweetest way, a mental and emotional fetus position. Getting back to basics. I feel like everything I�ve known has been written by me, my plans, on a giant slate that I�ve been standing on. And some huge force has ripped the slate from under me. Left with no agenda, no plans, crawling like a baby, and just when I begin to cry with despair, the slate is handed back. And it is blank. All that is left for me to do is embrace what comes my way, for now I have nothing but space.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I�ll be there. With open arms and open eyes. Just like the song. The Universe has spoken, and I�m all ears. And yes, there is stress, and yes, there is fear. But nothing I can�t handle. Despite those feelings, I�m strangely �okay�. I look forward to newness, to growth, and to this new phase of my life as I slowly begin to rebuild the legs of MY tripod. Because I have this feeling, this knowledge almost, that after THIS transition, I will be taller than I ever have before. And that�s just the beginning.