A quote I stumbled across: �Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.� � Susan Ertz, author. I LOVE the rain.

Interesting, the moods I�ve been in. I have this nagging �loser� sensation, based on the actual facts surrounding my life right now. I think, okay, I�m 25 years old and where have I gotten myself. Moving in with my father, taking the ultimate step back from independence. But then I think, sometimes it�s necessary to take a few steps back so that you can get a running start. I KNOW that the next few months in my life will change me immensely, because many life situations for me will change. I will be living in at least 2 new spaces, I will be getting a new job, I will possibly be enrolled in some kind of education process. That could seriously jolt and change a person, you know.

I don�t fear the unknown, but I certainly am not as trusting about it as I could be right now. I find that little things irritate me more than ever. People who question me. I find that irritating, and why is that? Because I hate to explain things, I hate to explain myself? It�s very important to me to figure things out for myself before I have to put it out there for the world. How could a calculus teacher explain imaginary numbers and derivatives if they haven�t yet grasped the concept of simple equations in their lives? That�s where I�m at. I need to figure shit out for me, right now, I�m just riding along this wave and seeing where it takes me. I�m not holding a map, so don�t ask me which direction I�m headed. My thermometer is broken, so do not ask for the temperature around me. I�m enjoying this ride, I just don�t know what it�s called or anything else about it. And I�m okay with that. Because I trust that wherever the hell I end up was my destination the entire time.

And in retrospect, I�ll be able to outline it for you, point out the landmarks, situations and people and places that hinted to where I was going. But I won�t know any of that until I get there. I just have to keep reminding myself that there�s no ultimate measuring stick. There�s nothing in the world that says I have to be at a certain point in my life at a certain age or else I fail. Especially for someone who�s been enjoying life as much as I have. How can that be wrong? Hmm. I hate to question myself publicly, but I guess this is what�s come out today, so I can live with that.

I saw Harry Potter yesterday. Cute movie, a little on the long side, great special effects, and LOVE that little boy. Can�t wait for Elijah to wow me in Lord of the Rings. There, movies, stick to movies. I�m reading a Stephen Dobyns novel right now. I�ve always loved his poetry, and the novel is up to par. So aside from my little stresses, that�s what I�ve been up to. This is the calm before the storm.

-Barbarella

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