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2002-01-23

Fears

What a beautiful day it is today. The air is fresh and clear, just the way we like it here in Sunny Southern California. I just had a fun lunch with Halcyon, and decided to stop in his Real House to use a Real Computer. Sigh, I'll set mine up... some day.

The interview was okay, turns out it's more part-time than I had wanted, but still something fun to do. Makeup Artist kind of stuff, something fun and exciting for me, something I've always kind of done on the side, whether it be social or professional. This would be professional, and what a great way to meet a bunch of new people (making them look and feel fabulous!) I could dig it. Not enough to keep me going, though. I need to actually find myself a "real" job now. It's been fun, it's been fulfilling, this extended time-off period. But it's over.

From New York and the funeral, to the holidays, to Mom in the hospital, to my sister having a baby, now things have calmed down enough for me to put the focus back on me and get some shit done in my life. Whew! It's about fucking time. I was up early this morning, clear-headed, felt good, and then a scary thing happened. Fear started to creep in, so slowly and surreptitiously that before I knew it, my mind had completely been taken over by it. I sat, awake and afraid. Overwhelming fear, a culmination of fear, and the only way to get away from it was not to plan or think or rationalize; it was to pull the blanket over my head and mumble something to myself, something I can't remember now, but something that was repetetive, hypnotic, empty of thought and feeling, until finally, I fell asleep mindless.

My fears? My worries? What is left when everyone else's shit starts to come together? What is there to deal with when those around you have been dealt with? I'll tell you. The only thing left now is me. And I better start to believe in myself again, because getting a simple job is just the smallest little step on the ladder that is before me. Remember all that growth I talked about, all that transitioning of my tripod? Well, the earthquake is over, the pieces are around me, and I have to make sure I build it stronger and taller than ever before, to move ahead instead of lagging back here.

And my fear is that I just won't do it right this time. But hey, it's all a learning experience, right? What else is life? I want to be the best me, I want to glimpse my potential. So what am I so afraid of? I guess it's detrimental to dwell on those thoughts and questions. The only thing productive for me to do is just start piecing things together, one by one. Step by step. And one thing I do trust, within myself on some sacred level of love, is this: I'll get there.

-Barbarella

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2007-05-19
NEW SITE!!!!

2007-05-16
Links and Update

2007-05-09
Two Links

2007-05-06
Yes, Even MORE new pictures

2007-05-06
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Fears 2002-01-23 12:02 p.m. What a beautiful day it is today. The air is fresh and clear, just the way we like it here in Sunny Southern California. I just had a fun lunch with Halcyon, and decided to stop in his Real House to use a Real Computer. Sigh, I'll set mine up... some day.

The interview was okay, turns out it's more part-time than I had wanted, but still something fun to do. Makeup Artist kind of stuff, something fun and exciting for me, something I've always kind of done on the side, whether it be social or professional. This would be professional, and what a great way to meet a bunch of new people (making them look and feel fabulous!) I could dig it. Not enough to keep me going, though. I need to actually find myself a "real" job now. It's been fun, it's been fulfilling, this extended time-off period. But it's over.

From New York and the funeral, to the holidays, to Mom in the hospital, to my sister having a baby, now things have calmed down enough for me to put the focus back on me and get some shit done in my life. Whew! It's about fucking time. I was up early this morning, clear-headed, felt good, and then a scary thing happened. Fear started to creep in, so slowly and surreptitiously that before I knew it, my mind had completely been taken over by it. I sat, awake and afraid. Overwhelming fear, a culmination of fear, and the only way to get away from it was not to plan or think or rationalize; it was to pull the blanket over my head and mumble something to myself, something I can't remember now, but something that was repetetive, hypnotic, empty of thought and feeling, until finally, I fell asleep mindless.

My fears? My worries? What is left when everyone else's shit starts to come together? What is there to deal with when those around you have been dealt with? I'll tell you. The only thing left now is me. And I better start to believe in myself again, because getting a simple job is just the smallest little step on the ladder that is before me. Remember all that growth I talked about, all that transitioning of my tripod? Well, the earthquake is over, the pieces are around me, and I have to make sure I build it stronger and taller than ever before, to move ahead instead of lagging back here.

And my fear is that I just won't do it right this time. But hey, it's all a learning experience, right? What else is life? I want to be the best me, I want to glimpse my potential. So what am I so afraid of? I guess it's detrimental to dwell on those thoughts and questions. The only thing productive for me to do is just start piecing things together, one by one. Step by step. And one thing I do trust, within myself on some sacred level of love, is this: I'll get there.