So, it�s Valentine�s Day. Hmm. It seems as if everyone around me is attached in some way, has a �Valentine�, if you will. But then again, things are always easier to see when they�re highlighted, and what better to highlight the relationships around you than a freakin� holiday that celebrates relationships? Yes, yes. I�m pretty content with being single right now, well, for most of my adult life. As if a relationship is just too much extra, too much energy. Dating all the way back to my first night in the sack � a Valentine�s Day it was, come to think of it. I just wanted to get laid, he was a guy I hung out with, we were drinking and chatting on his couch the evening of February the 14th, so many years ago.

It was fun, I remember laughing, I really didn�t think I�d have an orgasm my FIRST time. But I did. And he, being the random I chose to enter the next phase of my life with (the next phase being my sexually active life), wasn�t privileged beforehand to know that I was a virgin. Because to me, it was no big deal, and I had a great time. I remember another Valentine�s Day, 3 years ago� I went to get new tires and bought myself some red and black lingerie. Drove home with that new-tire sturdy feeling, and had a quiet, candlelit evening alone.

Other years, there were boys, always convenient, always showing up fairly close to the big Heart Day, just in time to cost me a card, some romantic thoughts, some excitement for the �holiday�. One thing I truly don�t like about this day is the attitude some �coupled� people have towards us single folk. Being asked if I have a Valentine and then getting that response � you know the one. �Oh, don�t worry, there�s someone out there, I�LL be your valentine.� I don�t remember expressing any disappointment over the fact that I don�t have anyone I care to give a heart to, so why those pitied expressions? Why those consoling looks? People are interesting.

I�d rather not have anyone around than have something half-assed that was forced because of the �meaning� of a day like this. It�s just too awkward sometimes. Better not to wonder if I should or shouldn�t get a certain someone something for this day, what it would mean, what it might reveal of my thoughts and intentions. Better not to deal at all. I feel like I�m suddenly in a different category, and that I don�t want to be around all those friends of mine that are in those relationships where they�re all cuddly and touchy and oppressively together.

I feel this strong desire to travel somewhere alone. Bunny had a brilliant idea, going off with herself for 3 weeks. Sometimes, you just don�t want to be around what you know because you don�t want to deal with your changing opinions, to start to �know� things around you in a new and different way. Does that make sense? Do you get what I mean? I�m cynical. I look around me, at my friends who are in relationships, and for the most part, I find fault. There are only a few people I know who I think have healthy, functional and symbiotic relationships. The rest, well, the synopsis of my thoroughly analyzed data borderlines cruel and unwarranted conclusions.

I look around me, at the confusion, the insecurities, the egos, the deception, the vulnerabilities, the resentments, the imbalance� and it�s no wonder I�m not in a relationship. No wonder at all.

On the flip side of that, however, there are a few people around me, people like Dlove and his beautiful woman, Kaya and his, and my sister Heather and her husband Sean, even Fizgig and his lovely, to name a few, that do give me some glimmer of hope. It IS possible to have synchronicity on almost every level. It IS possible to grow in love with a partner. I just haven�t found one that matches me yet, is all. And until I do, I�m going to keep my bah-humheart attitude. I have that right, as a single girl on Valentine�s Day.

-Barbarella

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