Two words I dread to hear came out of my father�s mouth this morning: Rush Wish. Do you know what that means? It means that a child is so ill, they put an expedite on their wish, because time is of the essence. The child my father is meeting with today has brain tumors. One time, a rush wish was a party thrown for a very ill child who died halfway through the festivities. But little Valeria, a six-year-old with a tumor the size of a lemon in her head, now has her princess bedroom thanks to the help of my dad. Hearing about these children makes so many things seem so small in comparison. But we all know how I love to keep a fresh perspective.

I�ve been losing myself lately. It started with the tapering off of writing in my personal journal at home. Then it continued with the preoccupation of other people�s �issues�. And now, the clear reflection I had of myself, something I�d check with daily, has slowly diminished to quick glimpses and illuminations, as those you get on a merry-go-round. As I ride round and round, surrounded by colorful creatures, busy music and lights, I occasionally glance to the center of the wheel and catch a flash of myself, reflecting along with everything else. Fun, but dizzying. And I crave to be a bit more surefooted right now.

My weekend will be filled with family events. My sister�s birthday, a good friend�s birthday, a pretend Thanksgiving dinner with my family including my grandfather, who leaves early next week. Most likely the last time we�ll all get to spend with him. I�ll get to see my nephew, have some downtime. Hell, have some up-time too. Tonight IS Friday, after all, and I don�t remember having any plans, so it should be the fun, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants sort of evening. Sigh. Next weekend, I may go up to LA, maybe even alone. Might be nice to get away from the merry-go-round and reacquaint myself with a reflection of me that isn�t lit so many different ways by so many different people. Different lights shine upon me, some bright, some dark, and I would like to see myself with none of these influences. Just me.

Because I don�t like to feel lost, and as great as everything is in my life, there�s just something... missing. It would be nice to find that piece of me, wherever it is, and just put it back.

-Barbarella

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