I love days like today. Cloudy, breezy, cool and relaxing, but not cold. It just makes me want to curl up with my cats, a glass of pinot noir, and my current book. Sigh, it�s going to be a nice, relaxing evening. I think. There is the possibility that my plans could be disturbed by some serious things, an ugly event that occurred last night while I was pleasantly chatting with Pixie. But I�ll get to that in a moment.

I had lunch with Halcyon; God, I nearly forgot what he looked like! Always a pleasure, always a joy, to spend some one-on-one time with someone I love as much as I love John. While heading back to work in the Cocky-mobile, I got a call from one of my sisters on my cell phone (only turned on at lunch nowadays, go figure). She said she was worried. Something about last night, something about a fight, and that she�d like me to call her as soon as I got the opportunity today. I did. I realize now that I don�t have the energy to even go into the story, what happened, why it all seems so unnecessary to me, why I don�t want to deal with it and will feel the least amount of guilt for turning the drama down.

It comes down to this: she�ll probably want to come over to my place and stay with me until things �blow over� rather than dealing with her situation. All I want to do is relax and read, with no one around, me and my book and my cats and whatever stupid shows come on the UCSD channel on a Wednesday evening.

Halcyon gave me a great quote today... I may botch this, but you�ll get the general idea: �I have plenty of love to give, just not energy.� Is that right? I�m sure I�ll hear about it if it�s not, but what a wonderful way to explain how I feel. Yeah, I love you, but I don�t have the energy to get involved. My energy is spent very frugally as of late, and it doesn�t include needless drama brought on by the same people who are drowning in it. I�m not a lifesaver. Fuck, I don�t even want to extend my paddle right now. I just want to float alone for awhile and meet up with other people who have their own flotation devices for once. Is that too much to ask?

She will come over, and she will drain me. And I feel horrible for thinking of her in that way right now. Simply horrible. And that drains me. But, then again, it could be worse to create a clog that doesn�t allow my energy to drain away. Because I just might overflow. You know what that was? It didn�t even make sense! I hate when people do that in their writing, I do it all the time. Go with an analogy, push the envelope until they get a paper cut. Hee hee. That time, intentional as it was, it actually worked as funny rather than my usual forced insight through stupid metaphors.

Can you tell I have no energy right now? Alright, heading out... to relax. Until I get a phone call from someone in my family, whomever that may be. I should place a wager with myself. Sigh. Fuckin� people and their stupid shit. Look forward to something a little more upbeat tomorrow, lovelies. That is, if I�m not completely DRAINED.

-Barbarella

previous | next