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2002-03-07

Selfishy

It�s gone from �it�s ONLY Tuesday?� to �it�s ALREADY Thursday?!� I love that. And I love the weather this morning, I could hear the tires of cars passing by my place make their way through what I could tell was wet pavement, and I popped out of bed with a smile on my face. Sometimes, the rain just does that to me. Energy and happiness. I�m not sure exactly why, but when things are good like that, no need for troubleshooting.

I shouldn�t have gotten myself all worked up for drama last night. It actually turned out to be quite a nice, relaxing evening, minus a few intense conversations. My sister came over, and it seemed as though we were both too exhausted to even tap on the door to the room of her issues for fear that it would open wide for us before we were ready. She came over, we had dinner, she was pleasant, we laughed and relaxed, she complained of a migraine, I gave her a pill that could knock out Rodney King and we were in bed before 9:30. Like I said, nice and relaxing. The intense conversations? Well, those were with my mother and another sister, about this sister we love so much and what we could possibly do to help her.

I almost fell into a trap with my mother, though. In our conversation, her voice became escalated, it was about money, it was about respect, it was about responsibility, all problems she has with the youngest in our family, and it was the two of them who fought the other night. I heard ugly things about that fight. Ugly, mean, thoughtless words were thrown around like confetti. Meant to be punches, felt just the same, I�m sure. The word unnecessary has been kicking it on the tip of my tongue lately. The question, Why? Right alongside it. Sittin� on the dock of the bay, wasting time.

The trap? In this conversation with my mother, I found myself suddenly working in some way �in lieu� of my father, being used as some kind of receiver of all of these things she wants him to hear, and as I began to give logical answers, tried to reason with her the way I know him to reason, I stopped myself mid-sentence. �I am not going to get involved in this, Mom, I am not Dad, and I�m not going to relay these things to him.� She complained that he had it easy, �washing his hands� of the hard parts, and to that I responded that just because we don�t get caught up in things, just because we are not rushing to the rescue at every opportunity, it doesn�t mean we don�t care.

It�s not like I want to see my sister hurting, to see them fighting, to have either of them unhappy. I love them too much. That does not mean that I want to take care of one, support the other, continually offer energy and advice that is never taken, etc. either. And it IS possible to feel both things, what I want and what I don�t want, at the same time. What they fail to realize is, these things, these ideas, they do NOT contradict each other. In a functional world, they go hand and hand. As much as I love them, I�ll be damned if I waste my time on negativity as much as they do. This is the only life I have, as far as I know for now. And I want it to be filled with other things. And if that�s selfish, well then I�ll have to accept my life as a selfish person.

I AM excited about the weekend, though. Lots of good things coming up, but I'll save that for tomorrow. I want to leave you in anticipation. Ah, sweet anticipation.

-Barbarella

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2007-05-19
NEW SITE!!!!

2007-05-16
Links and Update

2007-05-09
Two Links

2007-05-06
Yes, Even MORE new pictures

2007-05-06
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Selfishy 2002-03-07 9:45 a.m. It�s gone from �it�s ONLY Tuesday?� to �it�s ALREADY Thursday?!� I love that. And I love the weather this morning, I could hear the tires of cars passing by my place make their way through what I could tell was wet pavement, and I popped out of bed with a smile on my face. Sometimes, the rain just does that to me. Energy and happiness. I�m not sure exactly why, but when things are good like that, no need for troubleshooting.

I shouldn�t have gotten myself all worked up for drama last night. It actually turned out to be quite a nice, relaxing evening, minus a few intense conversations. My sister came over, and it seemed as though we were both too exhausted to even tap on the door to the room of her issues for fear that it would open wide for us before we were ready. She came over, we had dinner, she was pleasant, we laughed and relaxed, she complained of a migraine, I gave her a pill that could knock out Rodney King and we were in bed before 9:30. Like I said, nice and relaxing. The intense conversations? Well, those were with my mother and another sister, about this sister we love so much and what we could possibly do to help her.

I almost fell into a trap with my mother, though. In our conversation, her voice became escalated, it was about money, it was about respect, it was about responsibility, all problems she has with the youngest in our family, and it was the two of them who fought the other night. I heard ugly things about that fight. Ugly, mean, thoughtless words were thrown around like confetti. Meant to be punches, felt just the same, I�m sure. The word unnecessary has been kicking it on the tip of my tongue lately. The question, Why? Right alongside it. Sittin� on the dock of the bay, wasting time.

The trap? In this conversation with my mother, I found myself suddenly working in some way �in lieu� of my father, being used as some kind of receiver of all of these things she wants him to hear, and as I began to give logical answers, tried to reason with her the way I know him to reason, I stopped myself mid-sentence. �I am not going to get involved in this, Mom, I am not Dad, and I�m not going to relay these things to him.� She complained that he had it easy, �washing his hands� of the hard parts, and to that I responded that just because we don�t get caught up in things, just because we are not rushing to the rescue at every opportunity, it doesn�t mean we don�t care.

It�s not like I want to see my sister hurting, to see them fighting, to have either of them unhappy. I love them too much. That does not mean that I want to take care of one, support the other, continually offer energy and advice that is never taken, etc. either. And it IS possible to feel both things, what I want and what I don�t want, at the same time. What they fail to realize is, these things, these ideas, they do NOT contradict each other. In a functional world, they go hand and hand. As much as I love them, I�ll be damned if I waste my time on negativity as much as they do. This is the only life I have, as far as I know for now. And I want it to be filled with other things. And if that�s selfish, well then I�ll have to accept my life as a selfish person.

I AM excited about the weekend, though. Lots of good things coming up, but I'll save that for tomorrow. I want to leave you in anticipation. Ah, sweet anticipation.