It was odd, the way I popped out of bed this morning. I could have sworn my clock was broken, there�s no WAY it was only 6-something and I was this well-rested. No way in hell. I looked at the six, waiting for the inevitable moment when my eyes would really focus and reveal an �8". Never happened. I went to the window, verified for myself the early hour by looking at my street, and just accepted that I woke up early and had no interest in hitting snooze for the first time in... I honestly can�t remember. Not even hitting snooze, this is long before my alarm usually goes off. Huh. Stumped, but not overly bothered, I rewarded myself with a long shower and sighed dreamily as I realized that I didn�t have to rush through or skip any step in my grooming process. I even had time to grab coffee and muffins for me and Pixie. Woo hoo!

Dinner last night was fun with Zim and Kitty. We laughed until Kitty�s stomach hurt and just got to spend some time with each other. It�s been awhile, and we had a great time. I went home to watch Dancer in the Dark, Bjork�s movie. Heard of it? What a difficult movie to watch. Beautiful, very well done, but hard as hell to accept in so many ways. There are more than a few people who, when told that I was going home to watch it, responded with, �You�re going to watch it ALONE??� in shock and horror. I prefer to watch serious movies alone. Comedies are great to watch with other people. Light-hearted, epic movies, all of them, wonderful to share. But a serious movie? And by serious, I mean emotional, dark, etc. One of these is best watched alone, separately from others, and discussed later.

I can�t watch a movie at anyone�s house where there may be interruption. I get too agitated for my own good. People talking, people coming over, pressing pause, missing dialogue, it�s just too much. So yes, I enjoyed watching my serious movie (well, I borrowed it from Bobo) alone.

Let�s stay on the subject of agitation for just a bit longer. I don�t think I get easily annoyed, at least I didn�t used to think that. But lately, the simplest things REALLY bother me. I feel that if I give my attention to things as simple as relayed stories of people doing and saying unnecessary things, wasting each other�s time and breath, well, that I�m wasting my time. I honestly don�t care to hear it. I�ve never been able to draw that distinction before. It feels refreshing and liberating, but at the same time, I fell as if I�m getting ahead of myself, and I wonder who am I to deem anyone�s stories pointless and mundane. But you know what? It�s OKAY to not care about certain things. About certain situations.

I told a good friend this morning that I�d rather not hear about her exhausting conversations with a friend. Stories that she relays and thinks are funny, I find to be an annoying waste of my time. Does that make me a bitch? Or have I finally tired of things I really don�t need in my life, things that are not helping to make me a better person, but merely occupying my time? That�s what it all comes down to, you know. Time. I�ve gone from obsessing over punctuality to analyzing where and with whom my time is actually spent. I don�t expect anyone to vie for my time, I don�t want to give the impression that I think my time is worth more than anyone else�s. I�m honored when people choose to spend any time with me, and I look forward to the opportunities to spend time on many people.

But one thing I�m done with doing is blatantly wasting my time on someone for fear that they might get the �wrong� impression of me. If I think I�m wasting my time, why the fuck do I care what they think? What odd predicaments and mental catch-22's I tend to find myself in. It�s my time. It�s my life. I�ll give it where I want to and get it when the right people offer. As for the bullshit situations and unnecessary time-fillers? Clipped.

-Barbarella

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