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2002-03-22

Love and Empowerment

This morning, I felt so refreshed and well-rested that I again went through those �I MUST have overslept� fears. Nope. All is well. The weekend looks mellow, and that�s probably a good thing too. I�ve been questioning myself way too much lately, I think if I spend some more time checking in, then I won�t feel so full of doubt. Primarily, this doubt is in the area of friendships. Feeling like I�m not giving enough, not caring enough, just not thinking enough. I talked about it for a long time with Dad last night, and he reminded me of some things. Then, he emailed me this: �Remember the five simple rules to being happy: Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.�

The last two are my favorites. Give more. Expect less. Oh, not that I plan on doing that, but really, they�re great concepts. Ha. I�ve just recently had to cope with the realization that I�m not great all the time, there are things I don�t think about, people I don�t consider as thoroughly as I feel I should. As I feel is �expected�. Then I think, hey, we�re all grown-ups. If I�m failing to reach expectations, I like to hear about it. Perhaps they�re not realistic. Perhaps they are, and I�m just oblivious and careless. Perhaps I just don�t want to think about anything for awhile.

I miss that feeling of self-assuredness that I�ve been tasting these last several weeks. There are some new people in my life, wonderful, exciting, a lot to look forward to. With some existing friends, well, I�m feeling unsure. I can smell doubt and distrust like a shark can smell blood. People feeling betrayed, let-down, whatever it may be for various reasons. And I don�t want to be the cause of those feelings. I need to shed this heavy, guilty feeling. Guilt that I�m happy. Guilt that nothing seems to affect me. Guilt that I�ve had it easy. I have an overwhelming amount of wonder and love in my life. I don�t ever want to taint anything that lustrous, vibrant and beautiful with the dull and lifeless tint of guilt.

Yes, shit happens to me, as it happens to all of us. Yes, shit moments are tough, and we work through them with emotion, among other things. I remember a time not too long ago (I�d refer you to the date, but fuck if I know), when in the span of one week, I lost my cousin, my job, and my dignity (not gonna explain that one, but it did have to do with a man). I think back to that day, as those last two happened the same day, just as I was beginning to process the first. I cried. A lot. I was alone. I was a fucking wreck. But even through the tears, through my feelings of utter devastation, thoughtlessly uttering that I may as well give up, life is so bad to me, yadda yadda, I KNEW. I knew it was all okay. I knew that there was a lesson from all of it for me. Go on, look back, I�m sure I mentioned it.

The tripod thing is my indication. When shit goes to shit, when everything falls apart around you, count yourself lucky. You�re about to grow in ways you�ve never before imagined.

I want that for those that I love. I want that knowledge, those thoughts. That if we just take it, if we just soak in the pain, the disappointments, the losses, and the love, that in the end, love is all that�s left. I know it�s vague, but these are things that you feel, and there is no easy language to describe them. I can�t handle the phrase, �why do bad things happen to me?� Because in my opinion, what we consider to be �bad things�, the universe considers to be �opportunities for learning and loving�. We decide how we see it, and we decide what we do with it.

-Barbarella

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2007-05-19
NEW SITE!!!!

2007-05-16
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2007-05-06
Yes, Even MORE new pictures

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Love and Empowerment 2002-03-22 11:57 a.m. This morning, I felt so refreshed and well-rested that I again went through those �I MUST have overslept� fears. Nope. All is well. The weekend looks mellow, and that�s probably a good thing too. I�ve been questioning myself way too much lately, I think if I spend some more time checking in, then I won�t feel so full of doubt. Primarily, this doubt is in the area of friendships. Feeling like I�m not giving enough, not caring enough, just not thinking enough. I talked about it for a long time with Dad last night, and he reminded me of some things. Then, he emailed me this: �Remember the five simple rules to being happy: Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.�

The last two are my favorites. Give more. Expect less. Oh, not that I plan on doing that, but really, they�re great concepts. Ha. I�ve just recently had to cope with the realization that I�m not great all the time, there are things I don�t think about, people I don�t consider as thoroughly as I feel I should. As I feel is �expected�. Then I think, hey, we�re all grown-ups. If I�m failing to reach expectations, I like to hear about it. Perhaps they�re not realistic. Perhaps they are, and I�m just oblivious and careless. Perhaps I just don�t want to think about anything for awhile.

I miss that feeling of self-assuredness that I�ve been tasting these last several weeks. There are some new people in my life, wonderful, exciting, a lot to look forward to. With some existing friends, well, I�m feeling unsure. I can smell doubt and distrust like a shark can smell blood. People feeling betrayed, let-down, whatever it may be for various reasons. And I don�t want to be the cause of those feelings. I need to shed this heavy, guilty feeling. Guilt that I�m happy. Guilt that nothing seems to affect me. Guilt that I�ve had it easy. I have an overwhelming amount of wonder and love in my life. I don�t ever want to taint anything that lustrous, vibrant and beautiful with the dull and lifeless tint of guilt.

Yes, shit happens to me, as it happens to all of us. Yes, shit moments are tough, and we work through them with emotion, among other things. I remember a time not too long ago (I�d refer you to the date, but fuck if I know), when in the span of one week, I lost my cousin, my job, and my dignity (not gonna explain that one, but it did have to do with a man). I think back to that day, as those last two happened the same day, just as I was beginning to process the first. I cried. A lot. I was alone. I was a fucking wreck. But even through the tears, through my feelings of utter devastation, thoughtlessly uttering that I may as well give up, life is so bad to me, yadda yadda, I KNEW. I knew it was all okay. I knew that there was a lesson from all of it for me. Go on, look back, I�m sure I mentioned it.

The tripod thing is my indication. When shit goes to shit, when everything falls apart around you, count yourself lucky. You�re about to grow in ways you�ve never before imagined.

I want that for those that I love. I want that knowledge, those thoughts. That if we just take it, if we just soak in the pain, the disappointments, the losses, and the love, that in the end, love is all that�s left. I know it�s vague, but these are things that you feel, and there is no easy language to describe them. I can�t handle the phrase, �why do bad things happen to me?� Because in my opinion, what we consider to be �bad things�, the universe considers to be �opportunities for learning and loving�. We decide how we see it, and we decide what we do with it.