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2002-05-21

Didn't See This One Coming

�Language, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another�s treasure.� � Ambrose Bierce, writer (1842-1914) [The Devil�s Dictionary, 1906]

You know, that kind of reminds me of another quote I�ve been botching lately, so I finally looked it up in my personal quote notebook � �Method is more important than strength, when you wish to control your enemies. By dropping golden beads near a snake, a crow once managed to have a passer-by kill the snake for the beads.� � Nagarjuna.

I feel as if I am in the eye of a thought-storm, breezes catching wisps of my hair, telltale signs that soon, my entire being will be violently extracted from this calm pensive state and jettisoned into whichever breeze of thought is the strongest� and I will ride it to the end. You do know what this means. I need a break from people. I�m having difficulty following my thoughts, so they�ve managed to collect into swarms around me, making it much more difficult to avoid them. I can�t lose myself in it, not now, not yet. It�s called pacing, people. Am I making sense? Never you mind, these are things best kept inside the noggin� for now, anyhow.

Last night, I went out to dinner with Zim, so nice to see him, to hang out and catch up for a bit. So nice to be around someone who�s so far removed from everything, from little bits of information, baco� bits, if you get the metaphor. You know, not the real thing anyway, just really tasty? You don�t even know, do you. That�s fine. How can you? I mean, I�m hardly sure myself. That�s what makes it so fun, you know.

Tomorrow night, I�m taking my sister to see Kids in the Hall. Had another friend I was planning on seeing this with months ago, but he�s long gone. Took the �high� road far away at the first sign of honest communication. How�s that for poetic justice? I have a little feeling there was more involved, secrecy abounding regarding a friend of mine who has recently re-established her lonely place in my life as an acquaintance. But sometimes, you never do get the whole truth. No matter, because the way it works is this: if truth is withheld, eventually, it becomes too much to bear for one person. And it will become heavier and hotter until it burns a ragged hole through good intention.

All you have left are the singed and ruined remains, melted ideas. I tend to want to be liked by everyone. I need to let go of that. Because you know, with as many people as I know, that�s statistically improbable. I know that there is a percentage of people in my circle(s) who have �none-too-loving� things to say about me. I hear it all the time. And I think it�s funny. The things they think are worth telling other people, the things they spend so much time, thought on, things that don�t affect their own personal lives one way or another.

I�m a contradiction, you know. I thrive on people, I love their stories, learn from their lives. At the same time, I can�t stand them, their fears, their insecurities, their arbitrary and unfounded thoughts of others. Hence, my need for a break. I want to be the life of the party. And I want to shun the party for even happening. See my dilemma? The storm is getting closer, I�m just grabbing my coat.

-Barbarella

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Didn't See This One Coming 2002-05-21 10:43 a.m. �Language, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another�s treasure.� � Ambrose Bierce, writer (1842-1914) [The Devil�s Dictionary, 1906]

You know, that kind of reminds me of another quote I�ve been botching lately, so I finally looked it up in my personal quote notebook � �Method is more important than strength, when you wish to control your enemies. By dropping golden beads near a snake, a crow once managed to have a passer-by kill the snake for the beads.� � Nagarjuna.

I feel as if I am in the eye of a thought-storm, breezes catching wisps of my hair, telltale signs that soon, my entire being will be violently extracted from this calm pensive state and jettisoned into whichever breeze of thought is the strongest� and I will ride it to the end. You do know what this means. I need a break from people. I�m having difficulty following my thoughts, so they�ve managed to collect into swarms around me, making it much more difficult to avoid them. I can�t lose myself in it, not now, not yet. It�s called pacing, people. Am I making sense? Never you mind, these are things best kept inside the noggin� for now, anyhow.

Last night, I went out to dinner with Zim, so nice to see him, to hang out and catch up for a bit. So nice to be around someone who�s so far removed from everything, from little bits of information, baco� bits, if you get the metaphor. You know, not the real thing anyway, just really tasty? You don�t even know, do you. That�s fine. How can you? I mean, I�m hardly sure myself. That�s what makes it so fun, you know.

Tomorrow night, I�m taking my sister to see Kids in the Hall. Had another friend I was planning on seeing this with months ago, but he�s long gone. Took the �high� road far away at the first sign of honest communication. How�s that for poetic justice? I have a little feeling there was more involved, secrecy abounding regarding a friend of mine who has recently re-established her lonely place in my life as an acquaintance. But sometimes, you never do get the whole truth. No matter, because the way it works is this: if truth is withheld, eventually, it becomes too much to bear for one person. And it will become heavier and hotter until it burns a ragged hole through good intention.

All you have left are the singed and ruined remains, melted ideas. I tend to want to be liked by everyone. I need to let go of that. Because you know, with as many people as I know, that�s statistically improbable. I know that there is a percentage of people in my circle(s) who have �none-too-loving� things to say about me. I hear it all the time. And I think it�s funny. The things they think are worth telling other people, the things they spend so much time, thought on, things that don�t affect their own personal lives one way or another.

I�m a contradiction, you know. I thrive on people, I love their stories, learn from their lives. At the same time, I can�t stand them, their fears, their insecurities, their arbitrary and unfounded thoughts of others. Hence, my need for a break. I want to be the life of the party. And I want to shun the party for even happening. See my dilemma? The storm is getting closer, I�m just grabbing my coat.