Went to the circus last night. Man, what an interesting mix of entertainment. Interesting, that is, the waves of opposing thoughts and emotions that washed through me during the show. It was great to spend time with Dad and Jen. Jane didn�t make it, she was sick. Heather was out with the baby. The �Carnees� were talented, strong, magnificent in their displays of what the human body is capable of. It was the animals I couldn�t watch. You see things like this that make you want to believe this is okay, that most circus animals are treated better in captivity than if they were left to fend for themselves.

But I can�t buy it, that traveling the country, wearing colorful headdresses and doing cute tricks is preferable to them than being dead. The tigers reminded me of my cats (because my cats are just about the same size), I was paying attention to their feline body language. Low backs, low tails, performing not for love and affection, as much as for fear of the whip. That killed me.

The rest of the show was spectacular, lights, costumes, colors, people from all over the world showing off their rare and amazing talents. About half-way through, Jen started in. What do I mean by this? I�m not going to bad-talk my sister, but what I WILL do, is give you the facts, and you can determine for yourself what�s what. Yes, I admit they may be tainted, I mean, this is through my perspective, not hers. But here we go.

Jen asks Barb if she can borrow her car to go visit a friend in LA. Barb says no. Barb needs her car, as she is working all day (which would be today, by the way), meeting a friend after work ( Tim), and then going downtown for a big party (Burning Man pre-party at Fusion). But Barb specified, with Dad as a witness, that all these reasons aside, all excuses out of the way, even if she had nothing to do tonight, her car is not going to LA, period. Barb said this nicely, calmly, and followed it up with, �But let me know if there�s anything I can do to help otherwise, and good luck.�

My answer was not received well. I heard about all the times I didn�t come through for my sister. I heard things like, �I thought we were close! I can never count on you! the ONE time I ask you for a favor, and you�re so fucking selfish! you know this hurts me, and you�re only doing this to piss me off, you�re just like mom! you never follow through with anything! What about all the times you said you wanted to spend time with me? You don�t even care, you don�t even try to see things from my point of view! Fuck off.�

I stayed calm. In answer to most of these exclamations, which are all direct quotes, I said things like, �I love you. The fact that I will not let you take my car to LA has nothing to do with anything that you�re saying. Why don�t we stay with the present situation, this has nothing to do with anything else. No. I�m sorry you feel that way. The answer is no. I�m not saying that to upset you, it�s just the way things are, and you need to get over it, hon. No. Do not ask me again, this conversation is over.�

When I felt myself approaching the level where my voice was going to raise, where my words were going to be more about obscenities than logic, I ended the conversation. Just to have it started again, until again, I ended it. It is unfair for me to write this here. But I need reassurance on a grand level, and this is the way I get it. This morning, my dad said, �I was very impressed by your maturity last night, I was about to snap and say something, but you just stayed calm and repeated yourself lovingly.� You know, I think that�s a first. I�m not going to let it get to me. I feel very sorry for my sister, whom I love dearly, whom I wish could just do her thing and be happy, without holding her failures and/or disappointments against those who love her.

Maybe she�ll figure it out. In the meantime, I�m not going to put up with irrational attacks from someone I love, who will dig and dig until she gets what she wants, and always seems to think that the end justifies the means. The answer is no, I will not condone this method any longer.

-Barbarella

previous | next