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2002-08-18

Clarifications - To know me, read this

I�ve been doing a lot of thinking this weekend (and partying), and for my own well-being, I�m going to make some clear definitions and explain my stance on general and relative issues. First, I have to say I had a fucking BLAST this weekend! Africa and Artist went out with us Friday and Saturday night, people, fire dances, wonderful DJ�s playing in private house parties, friends, fun, frivolity. Fabulous. Fucking great!

It started out rough, though. Friday night, the party consisted of mostly strangers, and I was having a tough time finding a vibe and settling in. I finally did, back in Bluetech�s place, with great music and wonderful people. Then, someone reminded me of an incident that happened a long time ago, a time when I was present to something and did not keep a secret. My first reaction and feeling was that I did something wrong.

I told people. I used names. I broke it down as I saw it to be. And here I was, feeling bad for doing that. The word �trust� is used a lot. After thinking about this word, about the people I trust and the people I don�t, I�ve come to the following conclusions. I don�t want to be trusted. I don�t want the burden that comes with keeping my truths to myself.

I don�t feel bad. I have a handful of people that I trust with my confidences. And with the rest, I share just about everything that is relevant or interesting. When someone truly confides in me, when I am given a glimpse of someone�s thought-process, when they invite me into their mind and open up to me about their past, their fears, and their dreams, I take that information and I hold it close inside of me, and it goes to a special place: the place that helps me better understand and know those that I love.

Those shared confidences, I keep them to myself, in that space. I don�t talk about them with others, because frankly, it�s no one else�s business, and I would have no reason to tell anyone else. But what about the things I DO share? Things I witness, things I think, my opinion, my observations of others? I use very little discretion. I call it like I see it, and unless something shows itself to be other than what I know I sense, and what I know I KNOW, I am sticking to my guns.

Do not trust me to not have an opinion. Do not trust me to not form my perceptions, and most of all, do not trust me to not share them as they are, as they have been, and as they will be, because as I learn and grow, they change. As I know more, they change. But that doesn�t mean they don�t exist on some realm, in every moment.

I�ve been thinking a lot about intentions as well. It�s true, I can never know what someone else�s true intentions are. But I do know from my experiences that I am an intuitive person. If I have an inkling, statistically, it has proven more times than not to be fairly accurate. I can be wrong. I have been wrong. My intentions? Figuring myself out by observing others. By learning from others. Things I like, want to aspire to, admire and aim to possess. There�s a flip side to that. I also learn things I don�t like as much, things I�d like to rid myself of, ways I�d like to improve.

This is all about me. I love people as a whole, and it is true that they are all part of my experience, part of my learning, and part of my path. Some, I hold on to tighter than others. Few, I trust. That�s just the way it is, that�s just the way I am. And that�s all it comes down to. If you see more than that, if you feel wronged or hurt, if you are one of those people who thought that my purpose was to create ill-will, then you do not know me. And for your own state of mind, you should not trust me. I am, after all, a mere reflection of you. Whatever you choose to see, you will see. So if you don�t like what you see, if you are not comfortable with what I have to show you in your life experience, you always have the option to not include me in it.

-Barbarella

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Clarifications - To know me, read this 2002-08-18 6:39 p.m. I�ve been doing a lot of thinking this weekend (and partying), and for my own well-being, I�m going to make some clear definitions and explain my stance on general and relative issues. First, I have to say I had a fucking BLAST this weekend! Africa and Artist went out with us Friday and Saturday night, people, fire dances, wonderful DJ�s playing in private house parties, friends, fun, frivolity. Fabulous. Fucking great!

It started out rough, though. Friday night, the party consisted of mostly strangers, and I was having a tough time finding a vibe and settling in. I finally did, back in Bluetech�s place, with great music and wonderful people. Then, someone reminded me of an incident that happened a long time ago, a time when I was present to something and did not keep a secret. My first reaction and feeling was that I did something wrong.

I told people. I used names. I broke it down as I saw it to be. And here I was, feeling bad for doing that. The word �trust� is used a lot. After thinking about this word, about the people I trust and the people I don�t, I�ve come to the following conclusions. I don�t want to be trusted. I don�t want the burden that comes with keeping my truths to myself.

I don�t feel bad. I have a handful of people that I trust with my confidences. And with the rest, I share just about everything that is relevant or interesting. When someone truly confides in me, when I am given a glimpse of someone�s thought-process, when they invite me into their mind and open up to me about their past, their fears, and their dreams, I take that information and I hold it close inside of me, and it goes to a special place: the place that helps me better understand and know those that I love.

Those shared confidences, I keep them to myself, in that space. I don�t talk about them with others, because frankly, it�s no one else�s business, and I would have no reason to tell anyone else. But what about the things I DO share? Things I witness, things I think, my opinion, my observations of others? I use very little discretion. I call it like I see it, and unless something shows itself to be other than what I know I sense, and what I know I KNOW, I am sticking to my guns.

Do not trust me to not have an opinion. Do not trust me to not form my perceptions, and most of all, do not trust me to not share them as they are, as they have been, and as they will be, because as I learn and grow, they change. As I know more, they change. But that doesn�t mean they don�t exist on some realm, in every moment.

I�ve been thinking a lot about intentions as well. It�s true, I can never know what someone else�s true intentions are. But I do know from my experiences that I am an intuitive person. If I have an inkling, statistically, it has proven more times than not to be fairly accurate. I can be wrong. I have been wrong. My intentions? Figuring myself out by observing others. By learning from others. Things I like, want to aspire to, admire and aim to possess. There�s a flip side to that. I also learn things I don�t like as much, things I�d like to rid myself of, ways I�d like to improve.

This is all about me. I love people as a whole, and it is true that they are all part of my experience, part of my learning, and part of my path. Some, I hold on to tighter than others. Few, I trust. That�s just the way it is, that�s just the way I am. And that�s all it comes down to. If you see more than that, if you feel wronged or hurt, if you are one of those people who thought that my purpose was to create ill-will, then you do not know me. And for your own state of mind, you should not trust me. I am, after all, a mere reflection of you. Whatever you choose to see, you will see. So if you don�t like what you see, if you are not comfortable with what I have to show you in your life experience, you always have the option to not include me in it.