So, I was out ill yesterday. So sick I didn�t get out of my bed for any reason other than refilling the orange juice or peeing because I drank too much orange juice. This morning, I felt much better, but not exactly my usual 100%. I think my illness has to do with a lot of things. Recent stress at work, not enough sleep, and then, what I didn�t realize until this morning, the final straw on my emotional camel�s back � the 11th.

I got up, debating whether or not I could throw myself back into work or if I was going to take the mental health day I so wanted yesterday, and I flipped on the TV. Aunt Diane called a minute ago, and told me that they were about to read Jeffrey�s name, show his picture, and that family of mine was there at Ground Zero, so I might be able to see them too. I honestly didn�t think anything of it. I mean, it�s been a year, I�ve been dealing with family loss that entire time, and it�s just gotten better and more normal feeling.

But then I turned on the TV. I don�t know what it was, exactly. The fact that it was about the same time in the morning when I flipped it on last year. The fact that the sun was shining outside, also the same. But it ALL came back, raw, fresh, new. The fear, the horror, the trauma. Not the loss, which I deal with as does everyone. But that initial freak-episode, that �they�re in there! Are they okay? Who else is in there that I know and love? Which ones will make it out?� I sat down in front of the TV this morning and I cried uncontrollably. I had no idea those feelings were still there, like a scratch and sniff sticker, just lightly coated over, and the tiniest rub would make them pungent yet again.

Needless to say, I didn�t go into work. Crazy, the guilt I feel about that. Knowing that there are deadlines and things to do, things I�m responsible for, but I just cannot deal today. That�s okay, though, right? It�s not like I�ve missed one day in over 6 months, so what�s a few right now? Ah, but therein lies my famous rationalization. Give me a nickel, I�ll justify anything you want.

Here�s a little cheer-me-up... Just got to my sister�s, checked my email and found this . Fuckin� great. Make sure your sound is up and do listen to it for at least a minute or so. I love my gay men.

Last night, though I was just barely coming into consciousness from my day of �illin��, I was still able to appreciate some time with my eldest sister and my father. Neurosis and Sarcasm in the same room, bantering back and forth, it�s got to be one of the more entertaining events I�ve experienced in my young life. Gotta love it.

Tonight, I relax with a new friend. Tomorrow, I deal with the people at work who are bitter that I�ve been resting while they�ve been stressing. Into the evening, I may drop in on some friends� decompression gathering at the Bee Hive. And Friday, peeking into my weekend, another day to �get through� at work (it really shouldn�t be like this, I can�t wait for these fucking deadlines to pass so that I can enjoy going to my office again), and then the fun begins. From poetry slams, to gatherings, to birthday sneak-peaks� Fuckin� A.

-Barbarella

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